Amanda: Failure Princess

counsel

most of the time i feel like my entire being has been insulated with wet cotton. is it possible to be so frantic and still so disconnected? i suppose it is. i mean, i know it is.

today when i dropped joseph off at the airport (did i tell you he is spending the holidays away? three weeks to be exact), it was the most peculiar thing. i had been building up this despair, this rage against the whole injustice of him leaving, yet during that tearful goodbye, and yes, i did cry, there was that cotton. familiarly soft, decidedly dull. 

it's not that i won't miss him. every few hours i remember he is gone and i feel the panic rise. surely there is something wrong with me. or is that what being in love is? craving the smell of someone? his touch. his voice first thing in the... well, let's be real here, afternoon. i don't know, i didn't think i was like that. the wet cotton would not approve. 

i've been up to a lot these days. every week i go into the gay and lesbian center for counseling. my therapist is an intern, which i fully expected. what i did not really expect, foolishly, was a girl of around my age in tight jeans and high heels with a sassy haircut. a straight one, at that ( i have excellent gaydar). most of my past therapists have been aging lesbians in some degree of frosted hair and sandaled foot. i didn't know what to think at first, but just as i was getting a little more comfortable with her, i found out last week that they are transferring me into a group setting. i understand their motives. my therapist is young and gentle. that's not to say she doesn't know what she's doing, i just don't think the higher-ups think she has the chops to rip me apart and make me put myself back together. although, she was certainly clever enough to call that i needed further evaluation regarding the issue the group therapy deals with. it's complicated. i might talk about it and i might not. truthfully, i am devastated and upside down about it, and i haven't had the time to allow myself to deal with that. it was an unexpected diagnosis.

it almost makes me wonder if she is right across the board. what i mean is, she suggested i make an appointment with the nurse practitioner who dispenses psychiatric medication to those in need. at first i thought, "rookie. is that what they teach you kids in school now? dope up the masses?" then she let me talk for a few more sessions. she said "you must be tired." and she is right. the anxiety level in my life has become completely unmanageable. the things about myself i used to see as funny quirks have turned into knife-wielding thugs, circling on motorcycles. that being said, if i wasn't fighting them off, i have a feeling i would be tremendously lonely, or extraordinarily successful.

i do not know which is more unnerving. 

spanx

i'm still here, you know. i know some people read this every day and i'm sorry i am a bad blogger (friend? i'd like to think we are friends).

my life is so hectic right now, and yet nothing has changed except my job status, i'm back on the pill (emo wreck but no more epic periods), i now own a pair of very uncomfortable spanx, and i have put way more things in my vagina and ass since last time we talked.

oh yeah, i guess i officially have no shame. before it was like, "OMG, does she have no shame?" and now it's like "SHE HAS NO SHAME!" but i don't care because it's a living. i feel like i am being more true to myself than ever. wait, i just realized that sounds like i am totally a prostitute. i'm not, even though it would be completely valid and okay if i was (but probably not okay with joe). actually,  as i mentioned, i work in a sex shop now.

it has taken over much of my life and, as i said, i cannot figure out how to write about it, or even how to fit writing into my daily life other than the writing i do for work. writing about working and it's many pains is one of my favorite things to do, but right now i love my job, and to write too candidly about it would be betraying a certain trust. i feel like it can, or must, be done for the survival of this blog, but i have yet to figure it all out.

anyway, re: the spanx, i only bought them because i had to go to a wedding. normally i shun spanx and other control top hosiery because, while we can all use a nip in the tum, i don't really like restraining my bubble butt. it's one of my few physical features i actually like, and although it seems to get flatter with age and weight gain, i still try to flaunt it as much as possible. i always thought they should make those things assless. the other reason i hate them is that they tend to roll down at the waist band, which, instead of a flat surface, bisects the tummy area and creates TWO distinct rolls. unsexy. 

i decided to give these a go because i really needed a smooth back silhouette for the thin fabric of my dress, and these particular spanx promised to be high-waisted, thereby doing away with waist-roll and smoothing all the way up to the bra line. well, they work. the reason they work is that an ULTRA TIGHT band at the top goes around your ribs. it took me about 10 minutes to get them on and the whole time i was wearing them, i literally could hear my bones straining. now, three days later, i still have bruises on my ribs. i ended up taking them off halfway through the wedding because after the second time of having to painfully remove them and squeeze them back on to use the toilet, i was done.

i wish i could say that i am totally done with this torture device, but alas, i feel like they could come in handy at some point. plus, and i didn't notice this until i took them off, the crotch is actually open. there are like, two overlapping flaps instead of solid fabric. could this convenient hole be what i think it is? probably not, but i'd be lying if i said i'm not entertaining the idea.

perspective

i'm not proud of myself for not writing for so long. i beat myself up over it pretty much daily, but i just can't figure out what to say.

i mean, i have lots to say. for example, right now i am in a real tough spot because i obviously support obama, but i'm thinking i might have to take the obama sticker off my car. this is because i am a REALLY crappy driver and there are only three weeks before the election. this election has been so crazy, i am actually totally convinced that my total inability to merge onto the freeway with speed and skill could absolutely lose this thing for obama.

also, there is this whole proposition 8 situation in california. i cannot even begin to... i mean, how can i say that... there is just no way to contain my rage. i cannot believe that this is even an issue in my state. the ads that are running on the "yes on 8" side are so unbelievable. apparently if we don't ban gay marriage NOW, our kids might have to learn tolerance in schools! i know. soon enough they will be teaching black kids how to read and women will be able to vote. 

WTF.

anyway, aside from laziness, the main thing that is keeping me away from writing is that i just haven't figured out how to talk about my life right now. recently i fell further than i ever have. sure, i have had some pretty dark days, but those were when i was a teenager and all i had to do to feel better was cry in all of my classes, cut myself, and write tori amos lyrics in ballpoint pen on my fingers. those were sweet times. i realize that now that i've got some perspective. 

and perspective is a funny thing. i have been working at my new job for a little over a month now and it's hard to believe i had let things go so far. i don't want to be overly optimistic because, well, i am not capable of that, but i am really, truly happy for the first time in forever. i can say this because i am making myself happy. i have missteps every day because, let's face it, that's what makes life hilarious, but i can actually say that i am clearing a path for myself. i am trying to take care of myself in ways i have neglected for way too long. okay, i promise i will get into specifics as soon as i can find the words, but let me reassure you, i am still here. i'm still a Failure Princess. there's nothing in the rules that says you can't be trying to live out your full potential while also having an awful inclination toward dropping heavy stuff on your feet and accidentally getting gum on the side of your own car. 

seriously, this happens to me every time i try to litter. i know it's a total sign and i just need to stop throwing my gum out my window, but i'm taking this thing one day at a time.

big wheels keep on turnin'

if you guys think just because the weather is getting all fall-like and crisp that i have quit doing water aerobics, you are so wrong! okay, actually this is l.a. so it is only slightly fall-like and crisp but only at night , but i plan on doing water aerobics all year-long if my work schedule will permit. it's no longer my only reason for living, but it is definitely still a bright spot in my ever-darkening life. it gets pretty cold when we get out of the pool at around 7:30, and i know that will only get worse as the weather gets colder, but it's worth it. i love being in the water, especially at night.

in keeping with my general existential theme, that being failure, i cannot afford to have even a low-cost heath insurance plan. i am pretty much legally blind and my glasses are hideously ill-fitting, scratched, and horribly out of date, so i rely on my contact lenses. seeing as i have no insurance, i have been wearing the same disposable monthly pair for like seven months! this is wrong on many levels, but i have justified it by removing and cleaning them meticulously each night. well, my eyes have been bugging me  lately. i have experienced itching, soreness, and sensitivity to light... all VERY BAD THINGS. oops. well, i have been trying to wear them less, but my glasses make me feel useless because they suck so much. last night i had a dream in which my eyes hurt the whole dream and they were getting puffier and puffier, like an old person's eyes, all hooded and saggy. then, finally, i looked in the mirror and i had morphed into MICHAEL DOUGLAS! wtf is that supposed to mean?

i don't know what made me think of that just now. i guess because i have been trying to wear my glasses to water aerobics because it's not super-important to see perfectly or look good, but it's hard to have on glasses in the water. there is this one girl, no, two, who wear glasses and they are both kind of the nerds of the class and they always strain really hard to hear the teacher, try to be extra-fast and impressive, and don't really ever smile or talk to anyone else. total over-achievers. it's kind of hilarious. on the other end, there are these two women, and i mean WOMEN, like, in their 30s, who obviously know each other outside of class because they talk THE WHOLE TIME. i always try to stand either away from them or near the radio, but they not only talk, they also have the nerve to stand in the medium-front-center of class! i like to be toward the front on the side, so i often end up right near them. every time i have a class with them, i think of things to say to them like, "hey, maybe you guys wanna talk about this later over lattes?" or "well, your mouths must enjoy this workout!" but then i just lower my head and suffer in silence because i don't want to alienate myself from everyone in the class. i guess some things never change, by land or by sea. 

last night's class was mediocre at first because we had this one teacher that just basically stands at the edge of the pool and does these weird interpretive dance moves while practically whispering the instructions. normally, i would most def be into interpretive water dancing, but since it is a) done with no sense of irony whatsoever, and b) so unlike the GREAT workout we get from our two other teachers, it's frustrating and annoying. 

then, at the very end of the class, there was this nice little moment. we were all doing the bicycle, pumping our legs in the water while using pool noodles as handlebars, when the teacher put on tina turner's version of "proud mary." slowly, softly, thirty women in a swimming pool began singing along. it was kind of embarrassing, but by the rippling glow of the underwater lights, i don't know, it was also kind of beautiful.

"rollin' rollin' rollin' on the river..."

lib

i have so much to say, but now i have waited to long to say it and i am SO TIRED and overwhelmed!

positive stuff:

a) i got a JOB! not only that, but it is the exact job i wanted, and possibly the perfect job for me right now. more later.

b) i feel amazing.

c) for the first time in so long i feel hopeful for the future of this country. barack obama is inspiring. he brought me to tears during his historical acceptance speech at the DNC. it is only starting to sink in what it could all mean, and it feels too good to be true, but it can be true. a better world can be a reality.

okay, now the harshness:

a) still broke.

b) I FUCKING HATE ALL REPUBLICANS. they are seriously the scum of the earth. i am not the person to come to when you want an objective or eloquent opinion on this. my more temperate friends often say "amanda, you can't say that about them because that's what they think about us. it's not fair either way and it's not right to hate." the problem with that argument is that i hate them because they hate. the "us" they are hateful toward in their speech and policies is so much of who i am, a liberal democrat (at least by official registration), a woman, a person of color, a feminist, and a queer person. in the spirit of ineloquence (which is not even a word), i say fuck you john mccain for running a campaign of negativity, lies, and sensationalism. fuck you sarah palin for trying to tell me what to do with my body and who to love. i will support staying out of your daughter's business when you stay the fuck out of mine. fuck you young republican bitch from orange county who is the youngest delegate from california at the RNC. sorry for directing you readers to the faux news website, but seriously, watch the video, it's so sickening. at the end she says "i'm a huge capitalist." and, for good measure: fuck you joe lieberman, you sick fucking asshole. i was forced to hear part of his speech tonight because i had the news on and his words were enraging me, but his voice was putting me to sleep at the same time. wow, what an inspiring convention. fuck you all, seriously. if, by some chance, there is a hell like the one the more religiously inclined of you choose to believe in (choice?!?! what a concept), it is you who will burn there if there is any justice in this world. 

c) as long as i am on the subject of faux news, i accidently watched part of it this evening while trying to avoid seeing even a second of "last call with carson daly" and they showed this quote from lindsay lohan's blog today 

"I've been watching the news all morning, like everyone else - and i keep hearing about the issues related to 'teen pregnancy'- It's all related to Sarah Palin and her 17 year old unmarried pregnant daughter. Well, I think the real problem comes from the fact that we are taking the focus off of getting to know Sarah Palin and her political views, and what she can do to make our country a less destructive place. Its distracting from the real issues, the real everyday problems that this country experiences."

which on its own may seem to be in support of sarah palin. too bad they forgot the next part

"I am concerned with the fact that Sarah Palin brought the attention to her daughter's pregnancy, rather than all world issues and what she believes she could possibly do to change them-if elected. I get Sarah Palin's views against abortion, but i would much prefer to hear more about what she can do for our country rather than how her daughter is going to have a child no matter what.

Maybe focus on delivering some words and policy with stronger impact like Joe Biden."

LiLo, or LezLo as i like to think of her affectionately, then went on to quote barack obama and say a bunch of pro-sex education stuff. look, i care about as much as you about what she says in her blog, but i found it so outrageous how much fox chose to edit down her quote to misrepresent it. we are living in a crazy, scary world people.

anyway, all this stuff makes me want to cry. conservatives are so fucking stupid, i can't even handle it. 

for the record, here are some answers to a couple of oft-asked questions:

q: what if your mom had decided to have an abortion?

a: well, i never would have known, and i wouldn't have to be talking to your stupid ass right now, so it's looking like win/win.

q: how can you be gay when it's against god and god says it's wrong in the bible?

a: how can you love the bible when you have never read it? i say this because you clearly don't understand the teachings of jesus. jesus loved and accepted everyone, even sinners, and he also showed us that some things we may have regarded as a sin were not actually sinful. i'm gonna go with loving another consenting adult and expressing that love romantically = NOT SINFUL.

omg, i can't even stand this. i also love how these are the same people who don't regard healthcare, education, food, and a safe place to live as a fundamental right. i went to catholic school for eight long years and every single religion book i EVER read said it is part of god's teachings that these are basic human rights. 

arggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

fit

i don't really know how i am going to handle the fact that the olympic games are over. with everything that is going wrong in my life right now, i am entirely unfit to handle such a crushing loss. more on that later.

actually, more on everything later. i need to go to bed because this whole staying up all night/sleeping all day thing is doing nothing for the job hunt, not to mention my general morale and complexion. 

i am pretty tempted at this point to just get a realllllly random job dealing with things i know nothing about, like golf supplies or something. i could hawk golf balls for a living, sure i could. i bet that would totally advance my writing career. maybe i could learn to write erotica. hardcore erotica, as you can be certain that most avid golfers are absolute perverts. 

speaking of sexy balls, i have been meaning to write my review of the lelo luna bead system, which i proudly own but have yet to hanker down with and give a real testing to, so look out for that this week. if the subject of my vagina fitness doesn't bring on the hits, by god, what will?!?!

this is a bit cheap

but i am sleepy and in the arms of the one i love.

here are some lists in no particular order.

current top five things i hate most:

1) price of gas (not lowering fast enough!)

2) katy perry (constipated, airheaded, contemporary christian crapfest)

3) people who aren't funny or interesting. any one of the two even would be fine...

4) being totally no joke broke (bank balance = $.67)

5) not having health insurance (i need yasmin fast before my 10 day periods cause me to hurt someone)

current top five things i love (not counting joseph):

1) water aerobics (reason for living, truthfully)

2) sia (makes me laugh and cry)

3) the olympics (duh)

4) hansen's diet pomegranate soda (so fruity, so sweet, so splenda!)

5) when i can write something decent 

top five songs:

1) sia "lentil" (so beautiful. apparently it is about a dog, which killed it a little for me meaning-wise, but still, gorgeous.)

2) stevie nicks "stand back" (especially after watching this performance to it at mustache mondays last month. so hot!)

3) the game feat. lil wayne "my life"

4) sia "day too soon" (i know, OBSESSED.)

5) kate bush "babooshka" (this video could basically be actual footage of my brain activity. bonus: joe hates this song and freaks out every time it comes on my ipod. comedy gold.)

top five things i watch:

1) olympics (duh x2)

2) project runway (yes, this season's contestants are weak, esp considering last season was one of the best, but it's still entertaining. and i WILL meet tim gunn before i die if it kills me.)

3) re-watching skins (absolutely brilliant british tv show. you can watch series one and two without too much headache here, but also if you want to do it the old fashioned way, series one begins airing on BBC America this sunday @ 9 pm)

4) shear genius (why do i watch this crap? i can honestly say i have had the privilege of working with mostly talented AND smart hairstylists in my own short-lived hair career, but i do believe they may be rare. that fact may be changing, but this show is no reflection of that. AND I LOVE IT. sad, but i can't stop. if i had seen this before i went to beauty school, it would have scared me right back into college. oh well.)

5) oprah (i need a job and some zoloft, stat.)

well, i guess that takes care of that. in other news, i am getting my hair cut on friday and i don't know if i will get a trim or get the chop. i hate having long hair and it's hard to tell if i'm really balding with my hair being so long. i MUST know for sure before i start spending every waking minute obsessing about it, thereby inadvertently stressing the last remaining strands right off my skull, but the length makes it hard to judge the density. also, it's fucking hot in l.a. right now. then, i think of how long it took to grow it and how it will be winter in no time (aka 60 degrees in january). i just don't know what to do, but even if i keep it long, i definitely need a trim, as i am living deep in ponytail country.

my life is so interesting. thank god i have a blog.

(half)pipe dreams

lately i had begun to think that none of my dreams would ever come true. oh, sorry, i think i am using the term "dreams" rather loosely. i don't really have any of those kind that begin with "someday i'll be..." or "i want to achieve success in the field of..." 

i just wasn't built that way.

it was revisiting this thought, that most of the dreams i dream are rather small, that finally cheered me up a bit this weekend, as it also brought me to the realization that i have actually been living out many of my dreams left and right! first off, i now own and love a vixen bandit dildo (which i promise to review later this week), started taking a water aerobics class (more on that in another post), and finally made it into the basement of the staples center.

but let me start at the beginning. 

it was friday, august 1st, 2008 at 2:30 p.m. joseph and i were headed to the X-Games 14 women's street skate finals, which were being held on a large course built on a parking lot just outside the staples center in downtown l.a. we were going there to watch my friends amy caron, vanessa torres, sophie poppe, and evelien bouilliart compete. i was also looking forward to watching marisa dal santo, as i had never seen her skate in person, and leticia bufoni, whom i had seen the weekend before at the S3 Supergirl competition in huntington beach. leticia is a 15 year-old brazilian tiny who skates like a maniac. look, i don't know anything about skating and i won't pretend to, but i know what i like to watch. it's fun to watch them when they have serious tenacity and keep going after a trick until they get it, or make it look easy (i think that's called "style"). anyway, i love watching little leticia almost as much as i like watching my good friends skate. marisa (who won the silver medal that day) was fucking awesome to watch too, as well as (obviously) the day's gold medal winner elissa steamer. 

but my most favorite skater EVER, partly because she's awesome at skating, partly because she is really funny, and partly because last summer she looked-after my black-out drunken ass in ways i may never know, is amy caron, and i am so proud of her for winning the bronze medal! 

the competition was set up in three jams of seven minutes each on different parts of the course. joe and i had awesome passes because sophie hooked us up with her friends and family passes, so the view was great to watch the comp, but not so great for taking pics because i couldn't actually get on the course. everyone was skating really well, but it seemed by the third jam, which was on a rail, that leticia bufoni and rachel reinhard were duking it out for third place, at least that's what the announcers were saying. it did seem like they were both hitting the pavement hard trying to complete some fancy kickflips over the stairs, and according to what the girls said later, that part of the course was really gnarly, which i assume means steep. it's hard to get that perspective when you are standing beside it, but i guess it looks much more daunting standing at the top staring down at the pavement below, or rather careening toward it on a piece of wood with wheels on it

anyway, as i said, amy had been skating well, but i don't think she felt like she was in medal contention, or at least that's what i was getting from her body language after the third jam. when she heard that she was currently in fourth place just before the final jam began, though, it was really on. the crowd watched her kick it into overdrive, and it was an amazing thing to see. if i remember correctly, she was the only person to skate the ledge, and the trick she did was beautiful. it is called a 5-0 and please don't ask me why that is, but here is what it looked like. after this part there was a perfect landing and a lot of cheering. it was awesome. 

the rest, as they say, is history. amy won the bronze medal at X-Games for the second year in a row and it was time to celebrate. the first thing we did was head down to the athlete's lounge at the staples center to hang out and wait for her to be done with interviews and stuff. the passes we had enabled us to go down there, but we needed to have another special pass to actually WALK down there. it was kind of ridiculous, but it made me feel very special and VIP when we finally found someone to escort us down. okay, so i never realized i had always dreamed of walking into the bowels of the staples center until i  was doing it, but it was just sort of exhilarating! almost as exciting as the actual athlete's lounge, which was stocked with all manner of free non-alcoholic  beverages, a catering station, baskets and baskets of powerbar products, a free photobooth, massage therapist, flat screen tv, leather couches, and a unisex bathroom! i felt like kobe bryant himself! i'm pretty sure i opened one of each of every free drink in the place just to taste it. unfortunately i am a moron who was in the direct sun for four hours that day and i lost my head, so the only two pictures i have of the experience are one of half of sophie's face and marisa and evelien eating free sandwiches and one of amy texting really gay-ly. BEST DAY EVER

now, i know this coverage isn't exactly in-depth, as i obviously know nothing about the technical aspects of skateboarding, but i wanted to share my day with you. i was super-disappointed when i went to the X-Games blog and was met with this post about the women's event, which is lackluster at best, and downright offensive at worst. i guess it is supposed to be flip and funny in the classic skateboarder way, but i didn't find it amusing and a lot of the information was wrong. one would think that in a sports world that lives outside of the norm, that women wouldn't have to work extra hard to be considered legit, but i guess some things are universal.

anyway, here is the video of the highlights they posted, thankfully.

on the up-side, i had a great time hanging out with all the girls at once. sophie and evelien were visiting from belgium, vanessa was down from northern california, marisa says funny stuff and is from chicago, and meeting leticia was really cool, even though there is a language barrier. these women have the ultimate respect for each other, as athletes and as people, and they drive each other, which makes the sport even better.

 

*the picture of amy's 5-0 trick was taken by ashley brennan (click to make photos larger). you can see a few more of my pics from the competition and the ensuing madness on my Flickr page.

amy caron wins bronze at X-Games 14

well, i guess the title tells it all. that's hard-hitting journalism. there ya go. 

just kidding, i will be posting all about my X-Games adventures later today or tomorrow when caron forks over some pics. i was in a sweet spot for watching the competition, but my pictures during were kind of weak because i didn't have a full-access pass and also i was enjoying watching everyone so much! 

one

one year ago tonight, well, today, i was rolling around in the sheets with joseph for the first time.

and by that, i mean we had our first date.

i had met him the week before, on a thursday, at the (sadly) now-defunct club butchin' in highland park. the place was nearly empty because there was a big party nearby at the dykeplex. ajai and i were about to head out of there when she spotted some people she knew. i was standing there impatiently when joe walked over to me and started talking. he was hot, but i don't flirt. i didn't think i was anyway, because i'm really very shy unless i'm being funny. at one point i was adjusting my breasts in my bra (i do that) and he said "you can't do that in front of me!" so i grabbed his head and shoved them between my boobs. it was funny. less than an hour later we were at that party, attached at the face. 

i was hoping to see him that weekend, but he had gone up to portland to visit some friends. i finally got a flirty text from him saturday night, and i (drunkenly) replied back that when he got home "we should fuck or something." what the hell? 

i was trying to slut it up a little because i never had before. about a month before that i had my first "one-night stand" although i don't think it counts as that when you actually kind of know the person. anyway, that person wanted to see me again after, but i had recently had a shit experience with dating someone ultra-casually and i didn't want to go there. i definitely wanted to get laid though. i was still in pretty good shape, physically, and feeling very confident about my sexual skills, thanks to the praises of the afore-mentioned lovers and the affirmation of my ex (we were trying to be "friends who talk about that stuff" (that didn't work out. i'm pretty sure he hates me). 

it was monday when joe and i finally met for a ruse of a date at the shortstop. we each took wingwomen, which was helpful, but unnecessary, as the moment i slid onto the barstool next to him and he asked me what i wanted to drink, i was at ease.

we flirted and made out for about an hour at the bar before i pulled him into the bathroom and politely explained, by placing his hand down the front of my panties, why it was about that time for him to take me home. and he did. 

just like that, what i thought was going to be my second one-night stand began. from the very first moment we entered the bedroom, things went perfectly. the last time i had found myself in this position, the other party made the mistake of leaving a girl who had no idea how to have a one-night stand alone in her bedroom, drunk, when we first got back to the house. i had panicked, totally freaked, and ended up stripping down to my thong and getting underneath her covers, pulling them up to my chin and waiting for the sex to start. it was my fault, but it was awkward. 

with joseph, nothing was uncomfortable. we weren't even drunk and it was so easy. he lowered me onto the bed, removed my clothes, and for the next four hours or so, we had some of the best, most insane sex i have ever had. i pulled out my big bag of tricks on the first date because i liked him, but also because i didn't think it would happen again, and i wanted to leave a lasting impression. 

we were smoking on the balcony when he told me he wanted to get to know me better. few words had stricken me with such horror. i knew then that i liked him so much. i knew it was almost unnatural how good it felt, how the smell and feel of his skin was simultaneously exotic and so familiar. i guess it won't hurt now to say that i knew i could fall in love with him, but that is SO LESBIONIC! 

anyways, we had sex on the balcony. after that, we got into bed and he curled up beside me while i wrote this blog, and when i was finished, he got me off two more times before falling asleep for three hours then waking me up in that special way.

one year later, we are still together. i guess it's the gayest thing in the world, but i wouldn't have it any other way. i mean, sometimes i have wished that we went on more official dates before we started banging, and sometimes i wish that we banged a few times before i told him i like to... nevermind, the point is, i was terrified to fall in love and i acted like a dumbass and tried to run away a bunch of times. if i could do one thing different, i would not do that because i know that caused a wall between us, but i was so unbelievably scared of feeling that way about someone.

the thing about me is, i will never allow myself to be happy and i will never be satisfied. that is the truth. the best i could hope for is someone who is willing to put up with me, but twice now i have been lucky enough to be with someone who actually loves me. and now i am with someone who i am actually crazy in love with, which i never thought would happen. the problem is, i have held something back from joseph. not any love, that's for sure. if anything, i feel like a lovesick fool whenever i am around him, but there is a part of me that i have kept hidden, or lost somewhere, i can't quite figure it out. this side of me, i believe, is one of the main things that makes people fall in love with me (there have only been a few, but i'm just saying) and i'm so worried that if i don't find her and show her to joe, that's he's never gonna love me all the way. 

does that make any sense? 

i can be the funny girl, the outrageous girl, the crazy, the hopeless, but i don't remember how to be the girl with a cracked-open heart, genuine and full of beautiful words and other small but opulent treasures. i think i tried to bury this because i wanted to always be be tough, sexy, and fun. 

when i found love, i realized i might not have to have those other things. now i realize that if i don't figure out how to have them all, i might lose the most important one.