Amanda: Failure Princess

an open letter to my former parish

Dear St. Therese Parish,

I am writing this letter to state how shocked and appalled I am by you allowing signs supporting Proposition 8 to be posted on your property.

Yes, I am well-aware of the Catholic Church's stance on homosexuality, and thusly on gay marriage, however, there are a few things I would like you to know, if not fully understand or accept.

I was born into a Catholic family and attended Catholic school for eight happy years, four of which were on your very grounds. I am proud of my background for many reasons, spiritual and otherwise. One of the things that makes me most proud to be a Catholic are the teachings I learned from Christ and from the community.

What I learned in Catholic school, and what I will keep with me for the rest of my life, are Christ's teachings on social justice. I learned that Jesus did not look down upon others, and in fact taught us that we are entrusted with the welfare of the poor and meek, the outcast and forgotten. I learned to value love and equality above all things. I am choked-up, as I write this, to realize the hypocrisy that you, or we, as representatives of the Church are displaying openly for the world and community to see.

By displaying signs that support a proposition that intends to alter the California constitution to take away civil rights from a certain law-abiding sector of the population, you are supporting a grave injustice. 

The fact is that as a homosexual woman, I have to disagree with you on your belief that the way I was born and choose to openly live is an abomination, and I do regret that I will never be able to marry within your walls, however, I respect your right as a religious institution to believe, teach, and uphold your ideals. There is no question of that, and I do not know anyone who truly opposes your right to enforce that inside your Church community.

What I need you to know, what I am sure of, is that one of these Catholic ideals is not and has never been bigotry and the denial of basic civil rights to American citizens, or citizens of the world at large. At the end of my life, I will be judged for my choices, one of which, incidentally, was not to be gay, but I feel confident in the knowledge that I have and will continue to do right by the teachings I learned as a little girl, to treat all those around me with honor and respect, even if I disagree with certain aspects of their lives, and that it would be inherently wrong to make or enforce laws to treat those people differently. If anything, we, your gay and lesbian brothers and sisters, are often downtrodden by society, and as such are some of the very people whom Jesus taught His followers to look after.

I do not expect to change your mind regarding homosexuality because of this letter. That is not my aim. What I do want to say is that having these signs in my neighborhood and on the property of a parish I once belonged to and occasionally attend is extremely offensive. To many, including myself, this is no different than displaying propaganda seeking to ban interracial marriage, which we must remember was also once against the law. I do not believe you would allow someone to or choose to post racist or sexist signs on your property, and as these signs represent a similar prejudice, I would appreciate it if you would remove them immediately.

Respectfully,

Amanda-Faye

awkward

so, a few weeks ago i was at a party where i didn't know that many people. for some reason everyone i knew kept coming and going in shifts, but i stayed because it was my friend's birthday and for some reason, even though i had only three drinks, i did not feel sober enough to drive (contact high? oh, marijuana, i DENOUNCE you!).

anyway, toward the end of the night i struck up what started as a very interesting conversation about queerness with a gay guy i had just met that night. i had stopped drinking because i planned on driving home at some point, but he was drinking straight whiskey, and as time wore on, our conversation became a little bizarre. basically, he was totally obsessed with the tv show "30 Rock", to the point where he was quoting it and asking me repeatedly if i watched it. i had seen it a few times, but don't get around to watching much primetime tv because of my schedule. i do think tina fey is hilarious. man, she sure is livin' the dream. i'd like to think i could have been like her if i had a little more self-confidence. and hotness. anyway, i digress. seriously, this guy would not shut up about how much he loved tina fey and how it was an absolute must that any guy he dated would be a big tina fey fan as well. not surprisingly, he had never had asteady boyfriend, but who am i to judge?

the next weekend, joe and i were trying to agree on a movie to rent at video hut. we have a real problem with this because for the most part he likes horror films and obscure comedies, while i like gay movies and french films. i know, i know. so, i saw season 1 disc 2 of "30 Rock" in the tv section and said "hey, why don't we rent this?" and he agreed. i don't think i have ever laughed that hard at a tv show in my whole life. alec baldwin may be nutmuffins, but he is a fucking comic timing genius! and tracy morgan... and kenneth the page! i finally feel like i have been let-in on a billion inside jokes i've seen all over the internet. "live every week like it's shark week." LOL! this may be the greatest comedy show on network tv today. i just finished the rest of season 2, which i drove to two different blockbuster videos to get, and i have to say, i can hardly wait until october 30th, when the new season starts! i can't believe i have to watch it in real time. i'm gonna die from one week to the next! and i'm never home on thursday nights. i need tivo now.

i guess the point of all that is, thanks socially awkward drunken gay guy, for opening my eyes to the wonders of "30 Rock." i'm sorry i doubted you, and i'm sorry i was too intoxicated to give you a ride home.

speaking of social awkwardness, i am having a hard time with that myself right now. in general, i always considered myself a pretty social person. i mean, i have a lot of friends and acquaintances. i make a lot of jokes, and people seem to laugh at them. i introduce myself to others and i am, for the most part, pretty good at introducing people to each other. i always try to make people feel comfortable in groups if they don't know a lot of people... i don't know, i guess i thought i was pretty good with people and a decent to good conversationalist. recently, as i have embarked upon this journey of self-discovery and healing, i realized that truthfully i am not really that great at being present in conversations. i listen and react, but there is always a part of me that isn't fully there in social situations. instead of growing socially as an adult, i think i have been more of a show pony, rode hard and put away wet, and now here i am, wanting desperately to have true intellectual connections with people, but not knowing where to start. most people i come into contact with more than once know my life story, or at least the funny parts, but there are only a handful of people who i would say truly know me. it makes me sad to think this, because there are people i can honestly say i wish i could get to know better and want to let get to know me, but i need to re-learn how to get there with someone.

and then there are times when i really don't feel worth knowing in the first place. i've been trying to think positively and do positive things for myself, but it creeps in on almost a daily basis. it's hard to go from feeling like an unstoppable party girl to a totally awkward freak who can't talk to anyone without cringing, but i realize that it's part of the learning process. plus, i know awkward isn't always bad. after all, tina fey has turned slightly awkward into the american dream, at least for the funny but imperfect.

living ghosts

those of you who know me or read my blog regularly know that i was very close with my grandfather growing up and that my grandfather now suffers from alzheimer's disease. he has lived in a nursing home for about three or four years, i think. 

the years have sort of escaped me because, as you also may know, i rarely visit him for my own personal reasons that only i can wrestle with. i hope it doesn't make you think less of me as a person. it's really a lovely place, as far as nursing homes go, and the staff is (apparently) wonderful, but every time i go there, i inevitably end up running out in tears, so for the most part the only times i see my poppo are when they bring him out to special family events or just to visit. he can't be out too long because he starts to get antsy and uncomfortable. people with alzheimer's do not like to be far from home, and that place is his home, now.

once upon a time he lived with me. or rather, i lived with him, my grandma, my aunt, and my mother. it was a happy home, if somewhat filled with grown-ups. i remember being small and sitting at his desk. i don't think i ever knew what it was he did at that desk. maybe it belonged to my mother or my aunt, but i associated it with poppo because he was the one with all the papers. he had so many papers and letters, stacked and wrapped with rubber bands, on the desk, in his dresser, and in the drawers of his bathroom. 

then there were the pens. there were pens everywhere. he seemed partial to black pens cinched at the waist with silver rings and with a sliver clicker at the top. i loved those pens. i would sit at the desk and play all the time. my favorite things to do were to write words and draw (poorly) on legal pads and envelopes, swivel around in the old 70s desk chair that was upholstered in marigold, and press the buttons on the fluorescent desk lamp on and off over and over again. this may not sound fun, but there was something i liked about the way the lamp buzzed loudly and glowed softly if you pressed the button lightly, but then went into a quiet hum and bright glow when you really gave it a good, hard press. 

the more i think about this, the more i am starting to understand my unreasonable fondness for office supplies. 

anyway, i thought of poppo today as i looked online for a vintage desk lamp to go on the desk i rescued from the streets of echo park. the desk is old, cheaply made wood painted a 70s shade of peachy-pink. i hope to fill the drawers with pens and paper goods and use its surface to write all the things i will never get to show my poppo. he is alive and full of love in his heart, i know this, but he is not with me as i wish he could be. when i'm at my grandma's house, where his dresser still stands, i feel like i can almost see him shuffling about from desk to drawer, stack of papers in hand. sometimes i really do have to take a second look to really know he's not there. it scared me the first time. it frightened me that i could see this ghost, while he is still very much (thankfully) alive. 

now i just think of it as a moving memory. a beautiful memory, like the kind that comes to you from the scent of jasmine on a summer breeze, only mine is more like the smell of aging paper and the gentle drone of a fluorescent bulb. 

perspective

i'm not proud of myself for not writing for so long. i beat myself up over it pretty much daily, but i just can't figure out what to say.

i mean, i have lots to say. for example, right now i am in a real tough spot because i obviously support obama, but i'm thinking i might have to take the obama sticker off my car. this is because i am a REALLY crappy driver and there are only three weeks before the election. this election has been so crazy, i am actually totally convinced that my total inability to merge onto the freeway with speed and skill could absolutely lose this thing for obama.

also, there is this whole proposition 8 situation in california. i cannot even begin to... i mean, how can i say that... there is just no way to contain my rage. i cannot believe that this is even an issue in my state. the ads that are running on the "yes on 8" side are so unbelievable. apparently if we don't ban gay marriage NOW, our kids might have to learn tolerance in schools! i know. soon enough they will be teaching black kids how to read and women will be able to vote. 

WTF.

anyway, aside from laziness, the main thing that is keeping me away from writing is that i just haven't figured out how to talk about my life right now. recently i fell further than i ever have. sure, i have had some pretty dark days, but those were when i was a teenager and all i had to do to feel better was cry in all of my classes, cut myself, and write tori amos lyrics in ballpoint pen on my fingers. those were sweet times. i realize that now that i've got some perspective. 

and perspective is a funny thing. i have been working at my new job for a little over a month now and it's hard to believe i had let things go so far. i don't want to be overly optimistic because, well, i am not capable of that, but i am really, truly happy for the first time in forever. i can say this because i am making myself happy. i have missteps every day because, let's face it, that's what makes life hilarious, but i can actually say that i am clearing a path for myself. i am trying to take care of myself in ways i have neglected for way too long. okay, i promise i will get into specifics as soon as i can find the words, but let me reassure you, i am still here. i'm still a Failure Princess. there's nothing in the rules that says you can't be trying to live out your full potential while also having an awful inclination toward dropping heavy stuff on your feet and accidentally getting gum on the side of your own car. 

seriously, this happens to me every time i try to litter. i know it's a total sign and i just need to stop throwing my gum out my window, but i'm taking this thing one day at a time.

big wheels keep on turnin'

if you guys think just because the weather is getting all fall-like and crisp that i have quit doing water aerobics, you are so wrong! okay, actually this is l.a. so it is only slightly fall-like and crisp but only at night , but i plan on doing water aerobics all year-long if my work schedule will permit. it's no longer my only reason for living, but it is definitely still a bright spot in my ever-darkening life. it gets pretty cold when we get out of the pool at around 7:30, and i know that will only get worse as the weather gets colder, but it's worth it. i love being in the water, especially at night.

in keeping with my general existential theme, that being failure, i cannot afford to have even a low-cost heath insurance plan. i am pretty much legally blind and my glasses are hideously ill-fitting, scratched, and horribly out of date, so i rely on my contact lenses. seeing as i have no insurance, i have been wearing the same disposable monthly pair for like seven months! this is wrong on many levels, but i have justified it by removing and cleaning them meticulously each night. well, my eyes have been bugging me  lately. i have experienced itching, soreness, and sensitivity to light... all VERY BAD THINGS. oops. well, i have been trying to wear them less, but my glasses make me feel useless because they suck so much. last night i had a dream in which my eyes hurt the whole dream and they were getting puffier and puffier, like an old person's eyes, all hooded and saggy. then, finally, i looked in the mirror and i had morphed into MICHAEL DOUGLAS! wtf is that supposed to mean?

i don't know what made me think of that just now. i guess because i have been trying to wear my glasses to water aerobics because it's not super-important to see perfectly or look good, but it's hard to have on glasses in the water. there is this one girl, no, two, who wear glasses and they are both kind of the nerds of the class and they always strain really hard to hear the teacher, try to be extra-fast and impressive, and don't really ever smile or talk to anyone else. total over-achievers. it's kind of hilarious. on the other end, there are these two women, and i mean WOMEN, like, in their 30s, who obviously know each other outside of class because they talk THE WHOLE TIME. i always try to stand either away from them or near the radio, but they not only talk, they also have the nerve to stand in the medium-front-center of class! i like to be toward the front on the side, so i often end up right near them. every time i have a class with them, i think of things to say to them like, "hey, maybe you guys wanna talk about this later over lattes?" or "well, your mouths must enjoy this workout!" but then i just lower my head and suffer in silence because i don't want to alienate myself from everyone in the class. i guess some things never change, by land or by sea. 

last night's class was mediocre at first because we had this one teacher that just basically stands at the edge of the pool and does these weird interpretive dance moves while practically whispering the instructions. normally, i would most def be into interpretive water dancing, but since it is a) done with no sense of irony whatsoever, and b) so unlike the GREAT workout we get from our two other teachers, it's frustrating and annoying. 

then, at the very end of the class, there was this nice little moment. we were all doing the bicycle, pumping our legs in the water while using pool noodles as handlebars, when the teacher put on tina turner's version of "proud mary." slowly, softly, thirty women in a swimming pool began singing along. it was kind of embarrassing, but by the rippling glow of the underwater lights, i don't know, it was also kind of beautiful.

"rollin' rollin' rollin' on the river..."

i met sia!

last night (tuesday) at wildness, jd samson was djing. it was great and everyone was on the dancefloor. as i mentioned in a previous post, i have seen jd and sia out together in l.a. before and they are SO CUTE together, but that's not the point. now, i am a los angeles native, born and raised, so i try not to get too star-struck when i see celebrities. i mean, for godssake, when i worked at the salon, i washed tom hanks' hair!!! but, when i see/meet an artist whose work i really really admire, i just lose it. sia is so fucking talented. her most recent album some people have real problems is brilliant. her voice is gorgeous and her lyrics are so so beautiful. i just love it.

well, before i even got there, i accidentally drank a sparks, which if you don't know is a fine malt beverage MIXED WITH ENERGY DRINK. if you know me in real life, you know i am not allowed to drink energy drinks or i become completely insane. one time i had two sugar free red bulls and then watched an in-line skating contest where the girls were jumping on rails and falling on their faces left and right and i was just screaming uncontrollably. my heart almost leapt right out of my chest and when i was coming down from my high all i wanted to do was suck my thumb and cry.

now imagine that combined with full sugar and a touch of booze. not pretty. i had to have a glass of champagne and a beer just to bring me to almost normal.

then i get in line for the bathroom RIGHT BEHIND SIA!

i had to say something because the way i see it, even if i was a celebrity trying to lay low and hang out with my girlfriend in a tranny dive bar in macarthur park, i would love it if some energy drink-crazed, curly-headed mess came up to me and started screaming in my face about how i am her absolute favorite and she just loves me blah blah blah.

actually, i am not joking, i really would like it, but it didn't happen exactly that way. when i walked into the alley that the restroom is in (uh huh) she was the only other person in line and i was like "this is awkward, but, uh, i'm a BIG fan!" and she thought that was really funny. she was so so so nice and asked my name and introduced herself (lol) and was the cutest thing ever and really fast in the bathroom, which was a big plus cause i had to pee pretty bad from the sparks and the things i tried to chase it with.

i wanted to ask her to sign my little notebook, but i decided that was just going a bit too far. now i wish i did though because wtf, who cares. i don't think she would have thought any less of me. oh well. it was really cool and i feel like a dork, but i don't care. also let me add that she's a great dancer! i feel like you can really tell a lot about a person by how well they dance to 90s club hits.

you can learn even more about sia and hear her music and see videos on her website. her latest single "soon we'll be found" is one of the only things in the world that is bringing me any hope and happiness right now. here is the beautiful video and the lyrics.

Come along it is the break of day Surely now, you’ll have some things to say It’s not the time for telling tales on me

So come along, it wont be long ‘Til we return happy Shut your eyes, there are no lies In this world we call sleep Let’s desert this day of hurt Tomorrow we’ll be free

Let’s not fight I’m tired can’t we just sleep tonight don’t Turn away it’s just there’s nothing left here to say Turn around I know we’re lost but soon we’ll be found

Well it’s been rough but we’ll be just fine Work it out yeah we’ll survive You musn’t let a few bad times dictate

So come along, it wont be long ‘Til we return happy Shut your eyes, there are no lies In this world we call sleep Let’s desert this day of work Tomorrow we’ll be free

Let’s not fight I’m tired can’t we just sleep tonight don’t turn away it’s just there’s nothing left here to say Turn around I know we’re lost but soon we’ll be found

broken.

if you ask me, building a relationship can be like working with clay. i know it's a bit cliché, but it's just true.

in the beginning, you hold it in your hands and it just feels so good. it is unusual, slippery, wet, gritty, solid, pleasing. and it moves with you, warms to your touch as you mold it.

with a little work, it will become the perfect vessel for two, to be filled with all the loving things both of you can conjure. you know this, you have planned it all out. you can picture the shape in your minds because you know it in your hearts. it's simply a matter of making it real.

but if your hands are idle, you will feel it start to harden in them. maybe you were too unsure, and you hesitated a bit too long. now you have over-manipulated the clay, your vision is blurred, and nothing feels natural anymore. your hands have grown weary. you might be able to still shape the vessel, but when it dries, the cracks will show. they may be too large to mend. 

would it even matter what you put inside it then?

i read a book when i was little that said broken pieces of pottery can be added in with the fresh clay, and it will make the new pots stronger.

stronger and stronger.

i can only hope this is true now.

lib

i have so much to say, but now i have waited to long to say it and i am SO TIRED and overwhelmed!

positive stuff:

a) i got a JOB! not only that, but it is the exact job i wanted, and possibly the perfect job for me right now. more later.

b) i feel amazing.

c) for the first time in so long i feel hopeful for the future of this country. barack obama is inspiring. he brought me to tears during his historical acceptance speech at the DNC. it is only starting to sink in what it could all mean, and it feels too good to be true, but it can be true. a better world can be a reality.

okay, now the harshness:

a) still broke.

b) I FUCKING HATE ALL REPUBLICANS. they are seriously the scum of the earth. i am not the person to come to when you want an objective or eloquent opinion on this. my more temperate friends often say "amanda, you can't say that about them because that's what they think about us. it's not fair either way and it's not right to hate." the problem with that argument is that i hate them because they hate. the "us" they are hateful toward in their speech and policies is so much of who i am, a liberal democrat (at least by official registration), a woman, a person of color, a feminist, and a queer person. in the spirit of ineloquence (which is not even a word), i say fuck you john mccain for running a campaign of negativity, lies, and sensationalism. fuck you sarah palin for trying to tell me what to do with my body and who to love. i will support staying out of your daughter's business when you stay the fuck out of mine. fuck you young republican bitch from orange county who is the youngest delegate from california at the RNC. sorry for directing you readers to the faux news website, but seriously, watch the video, it's so sickening. at the end she says "i'm a huge capitalist." and, for good measure: fuck you joe lieberman, you sick fucking asshole. i was forced to hear part of his speech tonight because i had the news on and his words were enraging me, but his voice was putting me to sleep at the same time. wow, what an inspiring convention. fuck you all, seriously. if, by some chance, there is a hell like the one the more religiously inclined of you choose to believe in (choice?!?! what a concept), it is you who will burn there if there is any justice in this world. 

c) as long as i am on the subject of faux news, i accidently watched part of it this evening while trying to avoid seeing even a second of "last call with carson daly" and they showed this quote from lindsay lohan's blog today 

"I've been watching the news all morning, like everyone else - and i keep hearing about the issues related to 'teen pregnancy'- It's all related to Sarah Palin and her 17 year old unmarried pregnant daughter. Well, I think the real problem comes from the fact that we are taking the focus off of getting to know Sarah Palin and her political views, and what she can do to make our country a less destructive place. Its distracting from the real issues, the real everyday problems that this country experiences."

which on its own may seem to be in support of sarah palin. too bad they forgot the next part

"I am concerned with the fact that Sarah Palin brought the attention to her daughter's pregnancy, rather than all world issues and what she believes she could possibly do to change them-if elected. I get Sarah Palin's views against abortion, but i would much prefer to hear more about what she can do for our country rather than how her daughter is going to have a child no matter what.

Maybe focus on delivering some words and policy with stronger impact like Joe Biden."

LiLo, or LezLo as i like to think of her affectionately, then went on to quote barack obama and say a bunch of pro-sex education stuff. look, i care about as much as you about what she says in her blog, but i found it so outrageous how much fox chose to edit down her quote to misrepresent it. we are living in a crazy, scary world people.

anyway, all this stuff makes me want to cry. conservatives are so fucking stupid, i can't even handle it. 

for the record, here are some answers to a couple of oft-asked questions:

q: what if your mom had decided to have an abortion?

a: well, i never would have known, and i wouldn't have to be talking to your stupid ass right now, so it's looking like win/win.

q: how can you be gay when it's against god and god says it's wrong in the bible?

a: how can you love the bible when you have never read it? i say this because you clearly don't understand the teachings of jesus. jesus loved and accepted everyone, even sinners, and he also showed us that some things we may have regarded as a sin were not actually sinful. i'm gonna go with loving another consenting adult and expressing that love romantically = NOT SINFUL.

omg, i can't even stand this. i also love how these are the same people who don't regard healthcare, education, food, and a safe place to live as a fundamental right. i went to catholic school for eight long years and every single religion book i EVER read said it is part of god's teachings that these are basic human rights. 

arggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

lately i've had the strangest feeling...

this is depressing. skip to around 1:46 to see JoJo of the r&b group Jodeci collapse in an apparently alcohol/drug addled stupor while performing a show in australia. a) performing? b) australia?

according to his brother/bandmate K-Ci, JoJo was just exhausted and has epilepsy, but that's hard to believe. read about it on Dlisted, which explains it better than i ever could.

this is sad because Jodeci was one of my favs in junior high. not only did i love "all my life", which they are playing when the train wreck begins on this video, but their song "lately" is a really beautiful song, and was one of my all time songs to get emo over.

then, at the eighth grade dance, it played, and i asked michael dondanville to dance with me to it. he said no and was a total jerk about it, until i grabbed his arm and made him. that was my first slow dance. sad.

years later, he would become a dear friend and a HUGE FLAMING FAG, which makes me feel a little better. but just a little.

fit

i don't really know how i am going to handle the fact that the olympic games are over. with everything that is going wrong in my life right now, i am entirely unfit to handle such a crushing loss. more on that later.

actually, more on everything later. i need to go to bed because this whole staying up all night/sleeping all day thing is doing nothing for the job hunt, not to mention my general morale and complexion. 

i am pretty tempted at this point to just get a realllllly random job dealing with things i know nothing about, like golf supplies or something. i could hawk golf balls for a living, sure i could. i bet that would totally advance my writing career. maybe i could learn to write erotica. hardcore erotica, as you can be certain that most avid golfers are absolute perverts. 

speaking of sexy balls, i have been meaning to write my review of the lelo luna bead system, which i proudly own but have yet to hanker down with and give a real testing to, so look out for that this week. if the subject of my vagina fitness doesn't bring on the hits, by god, what will?!?!