Amanda: Failure Princess

down UNDER

this might be my second post titled that. LOL.

anyway, as if we needed another reason why australia is so much more awesome than the usa, check out this commercial michael k. posted on Dlisted yesterday:

banned in the usa, of course! this is the kind of marketing genius we need. it's a BIG FRIENDLY BEAVER. hillllarious!

anyway, speaking of beavers...

well, wait, i know most of you are waiting with bated breath (haha) for me to speak out on the recent injustice of Proposition 8 passing in my state of CA, but truthfully so many of my great blogging colleagues have spoken up so eloquently on the subject, i just don't feel it necessary just now. i'm sure it will come up again because this is shaping up to be THE topic and THE civil rights issue of our time, but my sadness and anger has, through all the marching i have done (and will continue to do starting this saturday), turned into hope, real hope and pride in my community. it just doesn't seem to warrant a rant at this time.

BUT, i will take you on a small mini-rant regarding another injustice.

moist wipes.

first of all, let me be clear, i am part of the faction of society that hates the word "moist." god almighty, do i hate it! i also never thought i would buy moist wipes. i have friends who always have a pack of moist wipes or baby wipes by their toilets and i would just think to myself, "really? triple-ply paper is not enough, huh? gotta have a wet bum, huh? i don't get it." add that to the fact that one of my main pet peeves, as you may know, is to be damp in any way unless i am showering or swimming, and there you have it.

well, as we are all aware, life tends to take one on different journeys and minds and hearts can always be changed. as it turns out, wipes are great to have around for pre- and post-sex freshening. at my work (oh yeah, i work at a sex shop now. more on that later. maybe.) we have things called like SexxNaps or CumCleen, but truthfully unless they are anti-bacterial and being used to clean toys and such, plain baby wipes or moist wipes do the job and are way cheaper. so, yeah, even though usually i like things with sex-related names or that smell like mango or have a specific purpose and snappy packaging (i am an ad executive's dream), i have been feeling pretty thrifty lately, so i decided to head out to the local target for this wipe expedition.

i don't usually buy generic brand products. i know it's RIDIC and wrong, but i am a 27 year-old woman that has grown to know and love her Opti-Free brand contact lens solution and i know the CVS brand says "compare to Opti-Free" on the side and costs half the price, but i do not care! well, for some reason, i tend to make many exceptions to this when it comes to target brand. i don't know if it's because it is a name i trust or if it's the clean, appealing packaging, or even the quirky commercials, but i feel okay with target brand.

as further evidence that i am rapidly turning into a memaw, my new favorite thing is reading ingredients and comparing prices on EVERYTHING, even wet wipes. as i did this, i discovered that the target brand actually seemed to have the fewest confusing ingredients (hydrogenated oils are in some of the other brands. i know they won't clog my arteries from there, but still, do i want to rub them on my precious gem? not really) and were (duh) the cheapest. i decided to then check out some of the ones that are made specifically for women. this makes no sense, as the products are essentially the same, but i tend to be drawn to products for women. my old roomate ashlee made so much fun of me the time i got athlete's foot from standing in the salon all day and bought anti-fungal foot creme for women. what? it was purple and had extra moisturizers! and she still stole it and used it all when she needed it. anyway, in doing this comparison between the wet wipes, i discovered that the target brand wipes for women have the same ingredients, fewer wipes, yet are more expensive than the general ones! and the packaging is far-less user-friendly! very upsetting indeed.

i mean, we all know these "for women" products are a ploy, even i know that, but i guess i expected better from the normally fine value that is target generics. i almost purchased cotonelle, always, or even loves baby wipes in protest, but in the end the low low price, simple ingredients, and e-z pop box of the target brand wet wipes won me over. maybe i will say "screw the man" and refill the box with unscented baby wipes when i'm done with them.

they say it's the small victories.

what will the homo revolution look like?

well, my friends, i'm sure it will have many faces, but one of my favorites is this picture of my friend from the LA Times online. 

an open letter to my former parish

Dear St. Therese Parish,

I am writing this letter to state how shocked and appalled I am by you allowing signs supporting Proposition 8 to be posted on your property.

Yes, I am well-aware of the Catholic Church's stance on homosexuality, and thusly on gay marriage, however, there are a few things I would like you to know, if not fully understand or accept.

I was born into a Catholic family and attended Catholic school for eight happy years, four of which were on your very grounds. I am proud of my background for many reasons, spiritual and otherwise. One of the things that makes me most proud to be a Catholic are the teachings I learned from Christ and from the community.

What I learned in Catholic school, and what I will keep with me for the rest of my life, are Christ's teachings on social justice. I learned that Jesus did not look down upon others, and in fact taught us that we are entrusted with the welfare of the poor and meek, the outcast and forgotten. I learned to value love and equality above all things. I am choked-up, as I write this, to realize the hypocrisy that you, or we, as representatives of the Church are displaying openly for the world and community to see.

By displaying signs that support a proposition that intends to alter the California constitution to take away civil rights from a certain law-abiding sector of the population, you are supporting a grave injustice. 

The fact is that as a homosexual woman, I have to disagree with you on your belief that the way I was born and choose to openly live is an abomination, and I do regret that I will never be able to marry within your walls, however, I respect your right as a religious institution to believe, teach, and uphold your ideals. There is no question of that, and I do not know anyone who truly opposes your right to enforce that inside your Church community.

What I need you to know, what I am sure of, is that one of these Catholic ideals is not and has never been bigotry and the denial of basic civil rights to American citizens, or citizens of the world at large. At the end of my life, I will be judged for my choices, one of which, incidentally, was not to be gay, but I feel confident in the knowledge that I have and will continue to do right by the teachings I learned as a little girl, to treat all those around me with honor and respect, even if I disagree with certain aspects of their lives, and that it would be inherently wrong to make or enforce laws to treat those people differently. If anything, we, your gay and lesbian brothers and sisters, are often downtrodden by society, and as such are some of the very people whom Jesus taught His followers to look after.

I do not expect to change your mind regarding homosexuality because of this letter. That is not my aim. What I do want to say is that having these signs in my neighborhood and on the property of a parish I once belonged to and occasionally attend is extremely offensive. To many, including myself, this is no different than displaying propaganda seeking to ban interracial marriage, which we must remember was also once against the law. I do not believe you would allow someone to or choose to post racist or sexist signs on your property, and as these signs represent a similar prejudice, I would appreciate it if you would remove them immediately.

Respectfully,

Amanda-Faye

perspective

i'm not proud of myself for not writing for so long. i beat myself up over it pretty much daily, but i just can't figure out what to say.

i mean, i have lots to say. for example, right now i am in a real tough spot because i obviously support obama, but i'm thinking i might have to take the obama sticker off my car. this is because i am a REALLY crappy driver and there are only three weeks before the election. this election has been so crazy, i am actually totally convinced that my total inability to merge onto the freeway with speed and skill could absolutely lose this thing for obama.

also, there is this whole proposition 8 situation in california. i cannot even begin to... i mean, how can i say that... there is just no way to contain my rage. i cannot believe that this is even an issue in my state. the ads that are running on the "yes on 8" side are so unbelievable. apparently if we don't ban gay marriage NOW, our kids might have to learn tolerance in schools! i know. soon enough they will be teaching black kids how to read and women will be able to vote. 

WTF.

anyway, aside from laziness, the main thing that is keeping me away from writing is that i just haven't figured out how to talk about my life right now. recently i fell further than i ever have. sure, i have had some pretty dark days, but those were when i was a teenager and all i had to do to feel better was cry in all of my classes, cut myself, and write tori amos lyrics in ballpoint pen on my fingers. those were sweet times. i realize that now that i've got some perspective. 

and perspective is a funny thing. i have been working at my new job for a little over a month now and it's hard to believe i had let things go so far. i don't want to be overly optimistic because, well, i am not capable of that, but i am really, truly happy for the first time in forever. i can say this because i am making myself happy. i have missteps every day because, let's face it, that's what makes life hilarious, but i can actually say that i am clearing a path for myself. i am trying to take care of myself in ways i have neglected for way too long. okay, i promise i will get into specifics as soon as i can find the words, but let me reassure you, i am still here. i'm still a Failure Princess. there's nothing in the rules that says you can't be trying to live out your full potential while also having an awful inclination toward dropping heavy stuff on your feet and accidentally getting gum on the side of your own car. 

seriously, this happens to me every time i try to litter. i know it's a total sign and i just need to stop throwing my gum out my window, but i'm taking this thing one day at a time.

skating funny

remember a while ago when i told you that my dear, hilarious friend amy caron did a short video with comedian jennie mcnulty for the series she has going on afterellen.com called "walking funny with..." in which she interviews sports-types while walking with them? well, if you don't, i just told you all you need to know. the video is up now and it is SO FUNNY. amy is an awesome pro skater and super-hilarious. we are trying to work on some things ourselves, but her schedule is really crazy right now, as it is skate contest season. 

here is the video, enjoy. look for me (or rather a flash of me) toward the end when amy whispers "amanda, take my jacket" right before she does a trick, and for my trying desperately to hide behind a wall right after the trick. it is totally my big-time lesbian web debut! sad. 

funny! 

Lesbian video from AfterEllen.com

cloudbusting

this is my new fav video (thanks natasha!). it is kate bush's "cloudbusting", which is based on a true story. it is such a beautiful song and the video makes me cry. i especially get weepy when she whispers toward the end "i'm cloudbusting, Daddy." do i have daddy issues? yes. but also, there is the obvious in my life right now, which is that i am trying to change the weather. "i just know that something good is gonna happen. i don't know when, but just saying it could even make it happen..."

i should mention that the job hunt isn't going so well. i am in a constant state of worry, bordering on hysterics, which is proving to have a range of negative side-effects, from chest cavity-melting heartburn all the way to friction in my relationship. this is deeply vexing because while i am lucky enough to have a prescription for generic zantac, i do not have what i really need, which is deep, intensive psychotherapy. 

to make matters worse, i am (obviously) less than confident about how i look right now because of my weight-gain and because i am pretty sure i am going bald. this makes it difficult to look for a job because i have this idea in my head that i am not hot enough to work anywhere. joe says this is crazy. he says "do i always have to listen to you talking shit about yourself?" and i say "yes. welcome to the next 50 years of your life." jk i hope maybe i will get some self-esteem in the next couple of months, but honestly getting a second job is one thing that is really going to help that. but then how do i get a job is i am stupid, and ugly? SEE WHAT I MEAN??? vicious cycle! 

this is obviously old news, but i just saw a story on the news about sexy coffee shops popping up all over the pacific northwest. two thoughts: 

a) wtf? see, i knew it was just going to get harder and harder for regular-looking people to get jobs. it's bad enough living in l.a. where you sometimes feel like you have to be a hot model type, punky/piercings type, or hipster girl-uniform-wearing type (think skinny jeans, overpriced t-shirt, and bored facial expression) to get a job anywhere in the city at a retail store, but now you are telling me i might someday need to look great in garters to sell coffee? ridiculous. heinous. i'm going to resume planning my suicide now. 

b) speaking of wtf, wtf is up with the pacific northwest? i feel like they are playing a big joke on the rest of us. first they are like, "hey! everyone should do what we're doing! we make quality coffee with care and we have shops that we hang out in and it's like, our culture!" then they are like, "hey, now your coffee is going to be served by Suicide Girls rejects." i don't get it. when i think of the NW, i think of flannel, falling rain, and feminists (blame riot grrrl), and yet i always hear about crazy things happening there like drinking allowed in fully naked strip clubs (good idea? bad idea?) and now half-naked girl coffee! 

fine, i guess that's only two things, and i guess it's my fault for seeing the NW as some kind of stereotypical queer utopia (minus the flannel and rain). joe says if i move there, which i toy with often, i will realize that there are downsides and upsides to living in any town. as you know, i LOVE l.a., but i am currently feeling a bit down on the queer community here, and on any sense of community at all. i'm craving that, especially a community of real, down, queer femmes, who are less interested in screwing each other over for andro/butch/guy attention and more interested in being besties, shopping for lipstick, making muffins, and having reading groups. maybe it's right in front of me and i am looking in all the wrong places, but i am having a hard time, nonetheless. 

last time i was in portland i was like, i HAVE to move here, i don't have a choice. i NEED this. then i was in the bathroom and i had an epiphany. i don't remember what club i was at, but the bathroom was the same as any club in l.a., minus the hair extensions, and it occurred to me, no amanda-faye, running up here would be the easy way out, you must stay in l.a. and try to build that community, try to make it better, BE the femme you want to be friends with! then i got home and one of my friends was hanging out with this really obnoxious girl who i'm pretty sure isn't even gay, and i realized i was a) up against the impossible, and b) a total judgemental bitch in addition to being lazy. i am probably not the person to try and carry the l.a. femme revolution on her back. can anyone help? i googled los angeles femme groups, but it didn't go so well. i REALLY don't want to have to move. my boyfriend goes to school here, i am very close to my family, and i am simply in love with this breathtaking city in ways that no one who doesn't love los angeles could ever understand. 

plus, if i move to portland, i will not have nearly enough use for HD wraparounds, these beautiful and stylish sunglasses, which i MUST have.

   

this is hilarious. the best part is the guy who is TOTALLY SHOCKED that his clip-on sunglasses let light in on the sides. 

i probably would seriously wear them, though, because lord knows i totally wear my sunglasses over my scrip glasses whenever i can't wear contacts. i honestly do in the car, and sometimes forget to take them off in public! emabarrassing!

the pride is high, but i'm holding on.

barely. 

this weekend was insanely fun. in fact, saturday was so fun that i didn't even do anything on sunday. i figured east side pride was so absolutely perfect that there was no reason to head out to west hollywood. plus i am totally out of shape and i was sore from dyke marching/dancing alllll night long. 

i was up all night friday night with what i am pretty sure was caesar salad poisoning, so i didn't get to the park for the first annual dyke day l.a. as early as i'd hoped. once we finally got there, though, it was the best day EVER! the women who organized it did such and amazing job, and there were so many people and so much to do... it was seriously almost emotional to be there taking part in something totally new to l.a. also, i like getting drunk in the grass.

the dyke march was more fun than ever this year, i think because of the energy (and booze) we were all carrying from the park day. we had to rush off kind of quick after the march because ajai had to make the wedding cake for the big packin' heat pride party in downtown l.a. the cake came out gorgeous (no thanks to me), and we were off. we got to the party at around 11 p.m. and bianca was djing first. she played the remix of "heart beat rock" by kylie and i started dancing all by myself. amy got there and quickly ran onto the dance floor to join me. suddenly, the who floor was packed and the dancing didn't stop. i maybe stopped dancing five times until three in the morning, and one time was just to pee.

on the wall in the bathroom there was a stencil of a man's face that looked curiously like lance bass. i took that as a gay sign, although i'm sure it couldn't have been him (RIGHT?!?!)

i'll stop my rambling because it's almost six a.m., i haven't been to bed, and i have a ton of work to do tomorrow, including checking out a pretty exciting job prospect. 

i have posted all of the pictures from los angeles east side pride 2008 on my Flickr. feel free to leave comments and stuff. 

40 ounces of fury

mmkay, so this 40 ounce cozy is an item from the ever-unpopular (on this blog, anyway) Urban Outfitters. i have a weakness for going to their site and looking at the home items because a) i like knick-knacky crap, b) i would never buy it anyway cause it's way overpriced, and c) if i were to ever cave and buy something from them, at least the whole world wouldn't have to know how lazy and unoriginal i had become, only trusted house guests.

well, when i saw this my first thought was, naturally, "OFFENSIVE!" call me a reactionary, politically correct whatever-the-fuck, but i do not appreciate the connotative meaning of the bandana pattern. it's pretty racist and the giant white hand doesn't help. OH HOW IRONIC! you darn clever hipsters and your ironic alcohol choices! my second thought, upon reading the product copy, was that the idea of a 40 oz cozy is actually rather clever, as they do tend to get warm as you drink them. finally, i thought of how weird it is to see things like this being mass-produced and marketed to idiotic college kids (there's that irony again). i mean, hopefully in those fancy classes they teach critical thinking and maybe the reality is that most people who saw this would be like "ew. that's offensive. i am going to make my own." because, as i mentioned, there is definitely a market for all types of beverage cozies, if you ask me.

also, why do some american regional dialects insist upon calling them "coozies"? wtf? that sounds so wrong if you know and understand the accepted definition of the word cooze.

far be it for me to judge, however, as i guess i'm all about tolerance and stuff. i guess.

one more thing i will mention is this singer chick katy perry, whose song "i kissed a girl" is racing up the iTunes charts. i was intrigued by the title, despite myself. i had heard of her growing popularity on myspace and watched the video for her song "ur so gay" which, in addition to having unbelievably derogatory lyrics, just generally sucks. it's a good example of the BAD things that happen now that anyone hot can be famous. well, i listened to the short iTunes clip of "i kissed a girl" to see what the hype was all about. i liked the music and the fact that behind the harder electronic beats, her gritty voice sounds much better. i decided to seek out the lyrics and the entire clip after reading an opinion on it at your daily lesbian moment. well, i have to say that i was really disappointed. firstly, aside from the catchy chorus, the song structure is extremely discordant, and the way she sings is awkward... i don't know enough about music to explain it right, but it sounds bad and not in a good way. secondly, much like the daily lesbian moment blogger, i want to believe that "i kissed a girl" has good intentions behind it, promoting the fact that experimentation is okay, etc., but i found the lyrics very confusing, immature, and bordering on offensive (there's that word again! i swear, i'm not super-sensitive today). that's two strikes of shady against the gays and i'm not cool with that. why is this chick obsessed with us? are we sure she's really straight? someone look into this, please. i'm not going to post the lyrics or videos here, because at this point i have made my decision and don't care to promote her music, but both videos are on the blog i linked and you can google the lyrics. 

well, that's all i have to rant about, for now. i am looking forward to pride weekend. l.a. pride has never been my favorite thing in the world, but as i mentioned before, the east side of l.a. has really gotten it together this year, and i think it's going to be better than EVER! i'm going to be buried up to my ears in queers all weekend, and i wouldn't have it any other way. expect tons of pictures and stories. 

xo

special engaYgement (seriously, i could do this all day.)

i often wonder if it's better for me to not write at all or to write short, half-hearted entries when i am not feeling like or don't have time to write. clearly, i have decided to do the latter this evening. 

honestly, part of why it's been hard for me to commit to writing is that i hate this new typepad thing so bad and also my computer is painfully slow. in the good news department, i finally got a good night's sleep last night. it made for a much better day today, even though i spent half the day in traffic and i didn't get this job i interviewed for. in some ways, didn't want it anyway cause it was a big commitment, but i could have used the money. 

speaking of commitments, my friend vanessa is having this HUGE gay pride warehouse party in downtown l.a. on saturday. the whole thing has a wedding theme. people will be getting engaged, there will be wedding cake, a wedding singer, and even a real minister performing gay weddings. at first i was like "OMG, that's so AWESOME!" then i thought about how drunk we're all going to be and started to get worried that having people get married at a big gay warehouse party might send out the wrong idea, particularly to straights, that we really don't take marriage seriously. normally i'm a fan of bucking tradition in favor of something totally out of the ordinary, but i guess i was feeling worried about giving any ammunition to our detractors. this, of course, sent me into a spiral of thought. i wondered if caring what "they" thought about what we do in the first place meant i was buying into their hatred. 

all was saved when i opened my email last week to this gem from IKEA: 

IKEA is hosting a huge wedding for twenty lucky couples to celebrate Universal Pictures’ release of Mamma Mia! The Movie, in theatres July 18, 2008. 

We'll take care of the reception, justice of the peace, entertainment and cake. 

We'll lay out a Swedish spread and host the ceremony at IKEA Burbank. 

Marriage, commitment ceremony or renewal of vows, it's your choice. The date is already set – July 17, 2008. You can invite 16 of your closest friends and family to share your glorious day with 19 other couples. 

We’ll even get you started in your new life by giving you a $500 IKEA gift card and other goodies. For your mini-honeymoon, we’re taking you to a pre-screening of Mamma Mia! The Movie. 

All you have to say is "I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do." 

my mind was instantly put at ease. i realized that weddings aren't about gender, sexuality, or anything like that, but rather the curious mix of love, capitalism, and tiny fuckin' hors d'oeuvres. i also remembered that theme weddings and "on location" weddings have been around since the dawn of time, or at least the invention of bungee jumping and morning talk shows. the straights are just as nutty as the gays when it comes to celebrations and ceremonies, which is quite refreshing, actually. 

while we're on the subject of IKEA, can i ask how it can be simultaneously so straight and entirely gay at the same time? is that a euro thing? also a related subject, i will be forcing joe to go see the "mama mia" movie with me, but only because i have a girlie crush on the actress that plays the daughter and also a mature lady crush on meryl streep. that and all the ABBA music, duh.

on one final note, in case you are wondering, no, joe and i will not be getting married or engaged this weekend. we are just not quite ready to take the plunge yet. also, for the record, i would actually consider doing the ikea wedding thing for the $500 gift certificate and swedish meatballs, if only it wasn't in burbank. wtf? that's like, one of the shittiest IKEAs of all.