Amanda: Failure Princess

spanx

i'm still here, you know. i know some people read this every day and i'm sorry i am a bad blogger (friend? i'd like to think we are friends).

my life is so hectic right now, and yet nothing has changed except my job status, i'm back on the pill (emo wreck but no more epic periods), i now own a pair of very uncomfortable spanx, and i have put way more things in my vagina and ass since last time we talked.

oh yeah, i guess i officially have no shame. before it was like, "OMG, does she have no shame?" and now it's like "SHE HAS NO SHAME!" but i don't care because it's a living. i feel like i am being more true to myself than ever. wait, i just realized that sounds like i am totally a prostitute. i'm not, even though it would be completely valid and okay if i was (but probably not okay with joe). actually,  as i mentioned, i work in a sex shop now.

it has taken over much of my life and, as i said, i cannot figure out how to write about it, or even how to fit writing into my daily life other than the writing i do for work. writing about working and it's many pains is one of my favorite things to do, but right now i love my job, and to write too candidly about it would be betraying a certain trust. i feel like it can, or must, be done for the survival of this blog, but i have yet to figure it all out.

anyway, re: the spanx, i only bought them because i had to go to a wedding. normally i shun spanx and other control top hosiery because, while we can all use a nip in the tum, i don't really like restraining my bubble butt. it's one of my few physical features i actually like, and although it seems to get flatter with age and weight gain, i still try to flaunt it as much as possible. i always thought they should make those things assless. the other reason i hate them is that they tend to roll down at the waist band, which, instead of a flat surface, bisects the tummy area and creates TWO distinct rolls. unsexy. 

i decided to give these a go because i really needed a smooth back silhouette for the thin fabric of my dress, and these particular spanx promised to be high-waisted, thereby doing away with waist-roll and smoothing all the way up to the bra line. well, they work. the reason they work is that an ULTRA TIGHT band at the top goes around your ribs. it took me about 10 minutes to get them on and the whole time i was wearing them, i literally could hear my bones straining. now, three days later, i still have bruises on my ribs. i ended up taking them off halfway through the wedding because after the second time of having to painfully remove them and squeeze them back on to use the toilet, i was done.

i wish i could say that i am totally done with this torture device, but alas, i feel like they could come in handy at some point. plus, and i didn't notice this until i took them off, the crotch is actually open. there are like, two overlapping flaps instead of solid fabric. could this convenient hole be what i think it is? probably not, but i'd be lying if i said i'm not entertaining the idea.

one

one year ago tonight, well, today, i was rolling around in the sheets with joseph for the first time.

and by that, i mean we had our first date.

i had met him the week before, on a thursday, at the (sadly) now-defunct club butchin' in highland park. the place was nearly empty because there was a big party nearby at the dykeplex. ajai and i were about to head out of there when she spotted some people she knew. i was standing there impatiently when joe walked over to me and started talking. he was hot, but i don't flirt. i didn't think i was anyway, because i'm really very shy unless i'm being funny. at one point i was adjusting my breasts in my bra (i do that) and he said "you can't do that in front of me!" so i grabbed his head and shoved them between my boobs. it was funny. less than an hour later we were at that party, attached at the face. 

i was hoping to see him that weekend, but he had gone up to portland to visit some friends. i finally got a flirty text from him saturday night, and i (drunkenly) replied back that when he got home "we should fuck or something." what the hell? 

i was trying to slut it up a little because i never had before. about a month before that i had my first "one-night stand" although i don't think it counts as that when you actually kind of know the person. anyway, that person wanted to see me again after, but i had recently had a shit experience with dating someone ultra-casually and i didn't want to go there. i definitely wanted to get laid though. i was still in pretty good shape, physically, and feeling very confident about my sexual skills, thanks to the praises of the afore-mentioned lovers and the affirmation of my ex (we were trying to be "friends who talk about that stuff" (that didn't work out. i'm pretty sure he hates me). 

it was monday when joe and i finally met for a ruse of a date at the shortstop. we each took wingwomen, which was helpful, but unnecessary, as the moment i slid onto the barstool next to him and he asked me what i wanted to drink, i was at ease.

we flirted and made out for about an hour at the bar before i pulled him into the bathroom and politely explained, by placing his hand down the front of my panties, why it was about that time for him to take me home. and he did. 

just like that, what i thought was going to be my second one-night stand began. from the very first moment we entered the bedroom, things went perfectly. the last time i had found myself in this position, the other party made the mistake of leaving a girl who had no idea how to have a one-night stand alone in her bedroom, drunk, when we first got back to the house. i had panicked, totally freaked, and ended up stripping down to my thong and getting underneath her covers, pulling them up to my chin and waiting for the sex to start. it was my fault, but it was awkward. 

with joseph, nothing was uncomfortable. we weren't even drunk and it was so easy. he lowered me onto the bed, removed my clothes, and for the next four hours or so, we had some of the best, most insane sex i have ever had. i pulled out my big bag of tricks on the first date because i liked him, but also because i didn't think it would happen again, and i wanted to leave a lasting impression. 

we were smoking on the balcony when he told me he wanted to get to know me better. few words had stricken me with such horror. i knew then that i liked him so much. i knew it was almost unnatural how good it felt, how the smell and feel of his skin was simultaneously exotic and so familiar. i guess it won't hurt now to say that i knew i could fall in love with him, but that is SO LESBIONIC! 

anyways, we had sex on the balcony. after that, we got into bed and he curled up beside me while i wrote this blog, and when i was finished, he got me off two more times before falling asleep for three hours then waking me up in that special way.

one year later, we are still together. i guess it's the gayest thing in the world, but i wouldn't have it any other way. i mean, sometimes i have wished that we went on more official dates before we started banging, and sometimes i wish that we banged a few times before i told him i like to... nevermind, the point is, i was terrified to fall in love and i acted like a dumbass and tried to run away a bunch of times. if i could do one thing different, i would not do that because i know that caused a wall between us, but i was so unbelievably scared of feeling that way about someone.

the thing about me is, i will never allow myself to be happy and i will never be satisfied. that is the truth. the best i could hope for is someone who is willing to put up with me, but twice now i have been lucky enough to be with someone who actually loves me. and now i am with someone who i am actually crazy in love with, which i never thought would happen. the problem is, i have held something back from joseph. not any love, that's for sure. if anything, i feel like a lovesick fool whenever i am around him, but there is a part of me that i have kept hidden, or lost somewhere, i can't quite figure it out. this side of me, i believe, is one of the main things that makes people fall in love with me (there have only been a few, but i'm just saying) and i'm so worried that if i don't find her and show her to joe, that's he's never gonna love me all the way. 

does that make any sense? 

i can be the funny girl, the outrageous girl, the crazy, the hopeless, but i don't remember how to be the girl with a cracked-open heart, genuine and full of beautiful words and other small but opulent treasures. i think i tried to bury this because i wanted to always be be tough, sexy, and fun. 

when i found love, i realized i might not have to have those other things. now i realize that if i don't figure out how to have them all, i might lose the most important one.

yesterday was maybe the worst day of my life

there once was a time when i thought the worst day of my life was the time i was working as a hostess at Buffalo Kitchen and, because i hated that job so much i thought i was going to lose my shit completely and commit suicide in the neighboring American Girl Place (*shudder*) right in front of some over-privileged American Brats, i begged the girl i was working with to let me leave early instead of her. that very same day, only an hour or so after i left, none other than britney spears herself, in the middle, juicy stages of her downward spiral (post head-shaving, pre-child hostage-holding), showed up and chowed down on some ribs. she also attempted to smoke on the enclosed non-smoking back patio and was asked to cease and desist, as the servers on duty scrambled to get the prized souvenir cigarette butt.

the fact that i missed that so i could lay on my couch watching "according to jim" and contemplating my wasted youth will haunt me for the rest of my life. until today, i didn't think it could get much worse. then i walked into the pleasure chest in west hollywood thursday evening at 11 p.m. and realized, to my horror, that i had missed another potential greatest moment of my life ever. when we pulled up in the car, we knew something was afoot because there were camera crews walking out. then, as we entered, i saw the posters for the event. we had literally JUST missed the beautiful and glamorous coco, bikini model and wife of ice t. WTF! awful, seriously awful. ice t had been there too and i'm pretty much obsessed with him on law and order SVU, not to mention that whole seminal gangsta rapper thing and that adorable lisp! oh sadness! coco maintains that her ass is all-natural despite the fact that it defies all laws of nature and logic. i, for one, am inclined to believe her. if you can't believe that somehow, in this crazy, fucked-up world, a 5'2" 135 lb white woman can have ass-cleavage like two beanbag chairs in her bikini bottom, then what the hell can you believe in? i'm all about it. plus, i saw an interview once with her in it and she seemed like a sweetheart. 

luckily, i was soothed when joe bought me a new toy. it is a pinwheel, something i have been wanting for a VERY long time. i wouldn't say i am huge into "sensation play" but ever since i tested this thing out on my  arm at the late babeland store on melrose, i knew i had to have it. the little prickles it gives when used lightly feel so good! i can't wait to use it in more, um, creative ways in private. another bit of wonderful news is i finally got my hands on a vixen bandit and we are having tons and tons of fun with that. i will post a full review of that was well as some other things next week. 

the other good news is that i am house/kitty-sitting for a very good friend of mine this weekend, since i, sadly, could not make it to san francisco for gay pride. i will be somewhat lonesome here this weekend without most of my homos, BUT this is the house i was house-sitting when joseph and i first uncovered our love aka dit it all night long on our first date. i had a good feeling here from the beginning, but now it has an especially fuzzy feeling. 

also, sorry i haven't been writing to much. i've been a bit moody, but also it's not fun to write posts in this new typepad compose window. i'm also sorry if there is wonky formatting, but i have NO IDEA how to fix it. 

:(

i'm coming out... as average.

i am boring. it's true. i know it's hard to believe for most of you, especially those that know me in person and get to drink from the bubbling spring of my effervescent personality on a regular basis, but it's true. i am just a regular girl who likes fucking girls who look like boys or identify as boys but have titties. B.O.R.I.N.G!

my coming out story? well, i was 17-18 and i fell in love with one of my best friends at the time (zZzZ snore) who was really kind of boyish and treated me somewhat indifferently (ladies, how much do we LOVE that?).

then i went to a somewhat prestigious writing summer school for teens where i learned that despite my talent, i was utterly ordinary and, upon returning home, tried to kill myself with sissy pills and ended up getting taken to the hospital by my real best friend, who is straight but had a shaved head and all the nurses assumed was my lesbo gf. she stayed by my side and painted my toenails in the hospital bed. they gave me this thick, black charcoal to drink and looked at me very sympathetically, but i heard them talking about how weak the prescription pills i took were, even if i did swallow 83 of them. better luck next time? fyi, the charcoal stuff leaks right out of your butt in the shower. it's humiliating, in case you were thinking of trying it.

it was at that time that my mom told my whole family i was gay, and no one really gave a shit. that's how i came out. there was no fanfare what-so-ever. there was no cursing or tears, no denial. i am lucky, i suppose.

years later, as i walk down the street and everyone assumes i am straight, i feel bitter. i am sad that i will never get the "gay nod" from other homos. yet, i also feel cheated that despite my "feminine" appearance, i will never enjoy the luxury of being ogled and revered by butches and tranny boys as forbidden fruit. no, alas, i am just your average, normal, everyday queer girl who never fucked a bio guy in her life.

super-boring.

may your cocks hummeth over

i would like you all to know that i am resisting with every fiber of my being blogging about friday night lights again. wait, can i just say i must concur with emno - why can't ALL guys be matt saracens? *sigh*

anyway, my life is BEYOND boring right now. i went to a fun party for sujey's birthday on saturday, but thanks to the fact that my camera died at dinah, i have very little documentation of that fact. i have a warranty on the damn thing, but they wouldn't just give me a new one, they had to send it in for repairs, which is so annoying because you know it's just going to break again. ugh!

since i have a grand total of $60 to my very name, i obviously can't afford to get a bikini wax right now, so tomorrow i have decided to dedicate the day to grooming myself. this is going to be somewhat unpleasant, but i am armed with the knowledge i attained from my last home bikini wax and two cold PBRs so everything might be okay. i also have to pluck my eyebrows which, in case you are wondering, now have two grey trespassers. it's enough to make a grown woman cry right into her face cream. i mean, one who is a lot more shallow than i... uh, yeah.

what else? oh yeah, so we have tried the vibrating cock ring from babeland several times now. it's amazing. i will say it's a little distracting for me during "man on top" sex, because for the most part i am the kind of girl who likes things, such as clitoral and vaginal stimulation, one at a time.

when i was little, my family used to call me "cafeteria girl" because i always insisted on having each of my foods on separate plates or separated very carefully on the plate, with no one thing touching another. i guess in some ways that has spilled over into my sex life. heartwarming? creepy? well, in any case it's true. for the most part, i like to get off externally first by having my clit stimulated either manually or orally, then be penetrated and come again that way. i rarely used to come from penetration, but joe has opened a whole other world for me when it comes to that. a fun, fabulous world of wonder!

which leads us back to the cock ring. when joe is on top fucking me, it's by no means bad (how could you go wrong with a vibrator?), but it's kind of like bzzt - bzzt - bzzt, and that's a bit disconcerting when i'm trying to fully enjoy the rhythm of his thrusting. however, when i'm on top, it's a whole other story! i'm SO all about this thing. riding it, i can control the rhythm and intensity of the vibration, and the feeling of coming inside and out at the same time is unreal. the silicone cock also conducts the vibration really well, pretty much turning joe into a human vibrator with great hair and a cute smile, who makes me laugh. good times. it's kind of embarrassing being unable to control my bliss, but i think joe likes it, so it's okay. my advice to the ladies is get one and try it out. i have even heard great things about the elexa disposable vibrating ring (pictured here), which they carry at babeland as well as most major drug stores.

it's kind of crazy how sexy drug stores are getting! my local CVS basically has a wall of lube, couples massage oils, and even novelty condoms, like the inspiral dolphin condom. the original inspiral is going to be part of my condom story, as it came in the babeland condom sampler. i pretty much know how it's going to turn out because the spiral bit is supposed to enhance the wearer's pleasure, which is fairly useless to joe and i, as well as the fact that it has been my experience that the extra bagginess and texture might actually be hurty, but i will give it a try for the sake of research. i'm very dedicated and brave! the condom story is on hold for now because i am saving up to buy the vixen bandit, and i don't want to change cocks half way through the experiment. lately, we have busted out the old vixen woody, just like the one pictrured except in the vanilla color, not black.

the woody is very similar in size and shape to our goodfella, but it doesn't have balls and is made of smooth, hard silicone as opposed to vixskin silicone, which is vixen's trademark, skinlike material. i love vixskin, and they now make the mustang, which is a vixskin version of the woody. what i love about the woody over the goodfella, though, is the ridge beneath the head is slightly different. they both look VERY similar, but on the woody, despite the fact that the ridge is larger, it doesn't feel as uncomfortable. i don't know if the size compliments my anatomy better or if it has something to do with the material, but i am actually enjoying woody better than goodfella! also, because the hard silicone is so smooth, i haven't found it necessary to use a condom on it. fyi silicone can be sanitized by boiling for 5-10 minutes, which is cleanly AND fun. joe and i had a boiling party recently and it was actually wildly amusing to see all the cocks in pots on the stove. still, i can't WAIT to try the bandit. i'm looking forward to the shape and the slight size upgrade, as well as the creative positions we can dream up, thanks to the length.

well, i guess that's all. i'm on the last episode of season two of FNL and i don't know what i'm going to do after this! can i just say, why do all the boys on the show, even the assy ones, have redeeming qualities, but the girls kind of suck? a lot? i hate lyla, julie is a bratbitch, and i did not like how tyra submarined that poor girl that liked landon. the only female on the show i really like is tami taylor, the mom. she's so sassy and strong!

mega-menstrual over-share

the good news is, i have my period right now, so 1) i won't have it next weekend at dinah shore, and 2) i'm not pms-ing anymore and will hopefully stop bursting into tears at any feelings of even mild discomfort.

the bad news is i don't get to try out my new toys (lube, cock ring, condoms) until at least sunday or monday, when the coast is completely clear.

you might ask, "amanda, why not just do it while you're on your period? are you not a modern, liberated woman in a steady relationship with a considerate partner?" well, the answer to your question, nosey, is yes, but for some reason period sex has always freaked me out a little. i know some women and their partners don't mind it at all, some even enjoy it, claiming that the extra hormones and lubrication can lead to some kind of magic, but i am unconvinced. as sexually adventurous as i am, my terrible secret is that i kind of hate body fluids, even my own. being in love for the first time, with joe, has made me understand why people in love/high lust situations don't mind having someone sweat and jizz all over them, and how it can even be fun, but i'm not into the idea of wet-napping my blood off of myself and my boyfriend.

okay... and there's something else. since i have been such a bad blogger lately, i am going to let you guys in on a very personal sexual secret of mine. although, on second thought, i may actually be punishing some of you more than rewarding with juicy (unintentional pun) banter, so don't read on if you hate hearing about ladystuffs.

once, a long time ago, when i was with my ex girlfriend, she insisted upon going down on me while i was on my period. i protested to the best of my abilities, but she wouldn't let up, so finally i agreed. i was freshly showered and hadn't been bleeding too heavily, so that kind of made me think everything would be okay. well, so, she was down there, right, and things were actually getting pretty good for me. it felt really intense and i was pretty sure the orgasm was going to be awesome. suddenly she stopped. i looked down at her, her mouth faintly smeared with red, and she was glancing up at me with a look of dismay that i had never seen on anyone before. her voice wavered, "i...i don't think i can do this."

it was so humiliating! i felt so disgusting and gross, even though it wasn't my fault and it was her stupid idea. it only added to my shame that i had been enjoying it so much, and to this day i wonder if the pleasure equation in any way involved the menstrual factor. the answer to that question is something i will never know, however, because i vowed at that very moment that no lover of mine would ever look at me with that kind of unconcealable terror in their eyes again, at least not during the act.

so, there you have it, my traumatizing period sex story. it's not like i haven't fooled around or even had what i would consider sex while bleeding since, but i always make sure to keep it nice and clean, with nothing too crazy.

with that, i wish you a fine weekend. i am planning on taking it easy because i am going to have a busy week writing, hopefully working, and preparing for dinah aka not eating anything, running every day, and laying in the sun establishing a base tan... aka probably passing out and dying before i even get to palm springs!

spring/sprung

so, although i have been mysteriously MIA (aka sick to my stomach, then lazy, then without internet), my blog stats continue to climb thanks to my posts on home bikini waxing, labia, and my ever-growing australian fan base. hey, aussies, when the hell are you guys going to pool together enough money for me to bring my act on the road over there? i am pretty much dying to go to australia, thanks to the dvd's caron made me watch of kath and kim and summer heights high, so please get on buying me that plane ticket. preferably for next summer. then i won't have to know what winter is like for a whole year!

jk. sorta.

i know you are all wondering to what you owe this glorious and rare early-evening appearance. well, i'm feeling a tad woozy as i just ate and took my metformin, but i am pretty excited about a couple of things.

a) spring/summer! i love when it gets warm. i don't really know why since i hate sweating and have been too self-conscious to wear a tank top since i was seven years old. i guess i just like how everyone seems to be in a better mood (at first, at least), and you can drink cold beers (secretly) in the park, and the birds keep me company at night with their chirping.

b) as some of you know, one of my favorite writers on earth is dorothy allison. she is the kind of writer that i aspire to be, the kind of writer who makes you feel like you just sat down and she started telling you this amazing story and now you don't care that it's dinnertime or bedtime and you never want it to end. her book bastard out of carolina is in my top three favorite books of all time. when i told joe that he said something to the effect of that being a typical girl/lesbian favorite book and i was indignant. the good news is, i lent him my copy of trash, allison's book of short stories, and he's really getting into it. this makes me happy. last night i was reading aloud from it and it made me remember why i wanted to be a writer in the first place. now to keep the trials of daily life (excess facial hair, traffic, debilitating emotional scars) from blurring that dream into obscurity again.

c) dinah shore weekend is the weekend after next, and although in some ways it's going to be a working weekend for me, i am so excited and it's going to be so so so fun! if not fun, then at least "funny" and that's fine by me.

d) later this evening i am going to one of my favorite places in los angeles, babeland!

my shopping list includes a new lube they have called babeland naturals: naked organic lube. joe likes to stock up on his favorite lube, liquid silk, which i also like a lot, as it works well, has no smell, and is very... um, how shall i say... "lifelike"? it's not sticky or tacky at all like some lubes i've used in the past where you fall asleep feeling like a filthy whore (actually, i like falling asleep feeling like a filthy whore, but not because my crotch is sticky and smells like an appletini). the only problems i have with liquid silk are that, although it is mostly water-based, it does have a tiny bit of silicone (which i imagine is why it works so well), and silicone lube is not recommended for silicone toys because it can break them down. this is what happened with our very expensive vixen goodfella cock. it works fine, but it had a bad reaction and in some areas the skin looks a bit chafed, which is why we started using condoms and i discovered i like condoms better anyhow. so, in the end it all worked out, but still i would like to try a more natural, water-based lube, just for funsies. the other thing about the liquid silk is that it tastes really bitter. like i said, i'm not necessarily into candy lubes, but the description of the new babeland lubes sounds like it tastes a little sweet and nice.

the next item in my cart will be a vibrating cock ring. i have never tried one of these before, but we have improvised (i won't bore/horrify you with the details), and this seems like an exciting and logical next step to bedroom bliss. i don't know what all the options are, but i have my eye on the sonic ring kit. i'll let you know what i end up getting and how it works out.

finally, i don't know if this is going to happen because we are super-strapped for cash, but if we don't get the vixen bandit soon, i'm going to FREAK OUT. i don't know if you know this (first-time reader?), but i am kind of a brat and when i get my mind on having something, i kind of become obsessed and pouty. lately, i have been looking at the poor goodfella with such scorn that it really doesn't deserve, what with the endless days and nights of pleasure joe has brought me with it, but i am ready for something new. joe says it's good i'm not into bio-guys because if i got bored with cocks this easily in that instance, it would be a real problem. what i like about the goodfella: the vixskin feels amazing, the balls are fun/hot, its size, shape, and where it rests on the pelvis make it really great for hard packing, and it's just generally a really nice dick. hence, it will never be fully retired despite the fact that: the ridge of the head is kind of hurty for me sometimes, i am ready for a bit more girth but with a smoother head, and the longer length of the bandit should be more conducive to... uh... creativity. i'm a little wary of the length thing, as i am not one of those ladies that likes having my cervix jostled about, but i think all in all it will be better in certain positions and such. plus it's a beauty! fyi, it is also made of the amazing, easy to sanitize, super-realistic vixskin silicone.

well, i guess i'll be off. gotta go get some more writing done and ogle sex toys i can't afford. i will be posting regularly in the very near future, i promise.

party murder

maybe i just watch way too much "law and order," but lately i have been really paranoid about being murdered. i mean, everyone sometimes thinks about the possibility of being violently accosted by a stranger, but what about being murdered by an acquaintance or friend in a moment of passion? it's not like those people on law and order who are having a glass of wine with so-and-so let so-and-so in knowing he is going to totally flip and bludgeon/stab/strangle them to death! this means that at pretty much any given time, there is a possibility that one could be killed. last night i made joe promise to never murder me after having another one of my now standard waking dreams (i never sleep) that i was hanging out in my (non-existent) apartment and some anonymous person i was chilling with slammed my head into the wall and killed me.

it was one of those dreams where you are watching yourself do stuff, which very rarely happens to me. usually i am watching things from behind my eyes in my dreams.

oh my god, could i BE more exciting right now?

sorry, i had a rough weekend. friday was stress-filled. the good parts were joe and i got our plane tix to sf and we went to babeland on melrose to look at sex toys. i have (duh) been obsessed with the babeland site for a long time, but i had actually never been to the shop. it was fucking amazing! the whole place is kind of set up like a friend's room or something. not in a cheesy, earth-mother, step into my parlour kind of way, but in an "holy shit, my friend ____ has a splendid collection of sexy books, dvds, sex toys, and condoms. and the massage candle she's burning smells hella good!" i know one of the girls that works there and she was very helpful re: condoms. i ended up buying the babeland sampler pack. my next plan is to write a review on here of different condoms and how well they work with dlidos. this will be a very subjective review because of the different shapes/sizes of dildos and the different shapes/sizes of pussies, but i have been looking for condom reviews for users who aren't... uh... penis havers... and i can't find one so i'm going to write it. joe and i have the babeland sampler pack and we also bought (the other night in a pinch) this trojan condom sampler pack, so basically i am going to be fucking a whole lot for the sake of journalism. no, no, don't call me a hero.

sneak preview: the babeland condom (they have their own brand, one type: lubed, subtly studded, standard fit, pink) ROCKS.

ANYWAY, i just really liked the layout of the whole place, but i was a little overwhelmed because we were on a tight schedule, so i really can't wait until i get back there (and have money) so i can browse for hours.
i seriously could and will do that. i will bring a sack lunch.

saturday night i went to that party. first we stopped at my friend ajai's to meet up and chit chat a little and she was hanging out with this hot lesbo who is totally a paparazzo who stalks celebs and stuff. isn't that amazing? i pretty much wet myself. out of nowhere, the paparazzo looks at me and she goes, "have you ever seen the movie 'party monster'? the way you're talking right now reminds me of james st. james."

hahahaha. oh man, i have officially reached my goal of becoming so faggy i have surpassed even the average gay man. if i was a gay man, i would be almost super-human. here is a clip from party monster. in case you didn't see the movie, james st. james is (surprisingly brilliantly) portrayed by seth green. don't ask me why macaulay culkin's concept of playing a gay club kid = british schoolboy. whatevs.

LOL. the party was really fun, for the most part, but we got there late and we stayed there late and it was a whole lot of party for someone who never goes out anymore, therefor sunday was rough. there was a shitload of booze and a shitload of dancing lesbians. i took a bunch of pics, but i think they were all awful. i need to figure out how to use my camera. i dunno, maybe i will post some tomorrow.

whoa, isn't it weird how my 6 am ramblings have somehow tied into each other? remember the thing about being murdered unexpectedly by an acquaintance or friend from earlier... and that's exactly what party monster is about. you see, readers? that's called "story craftsmanship."

yeah... i totally did that on purpose.

posh-y whipped

one of the beautiful things about winter is that it is the perfect time to look inward and start asking yourself those crucial questions like, "amanda, do you ever think or write about anything other than sex toys?"

the answer, thankfully, is no. for that reason, pretty much none of the links in this post are work safe, so DON'T CLICK IF YOU'RE AT WORK.

lately what i have really been becoming aware of is the rise in luxury sex toys. normally, i scoff at things that are insanely expensive but work just the same as cheaper things, especially when it's something that not very many people are ever going to see. however, when it comes to things that venture in or around my more delicate openings, i am willing to take a different stance. i am a firm believer that sex toys are for the people, but the newer, more expensive varieties have many benefits, such as being made with more healthful materials, easier to sanitize, longer lasting, and more high-tech, if you're into that sort of thing.

last week i was perusing the website of a uk luxury erotic retailer called coco de mer, which has somewhat recently opened a store in los angeles. this was prompted by an article i read somewhere about brad pitt and angelina jolie stopping in and picking up some goodies there, but i don't know if it was true and also that is beside the point. while i was on the site, i was trying not to be judgemental. after all, i myself have lusted for years after the jimmy jane little gold, which is ridiculously gold-plated and costs $275, but is also beautiful, tiny, silent, waterproof, and has a replaceable motor. just saying. anyway, some of the toys coco de mer sells just take the luxurious thing a little too far. freshwater pearl anal beads? are you fucking serious? i don't even really like buying the most expensive brand of toilet paper! the website is replete with other such grandiose yet hurty-sounding items, such as jade cock rings and a sexy whip made of real human hair. ummmm. all of the dildos they carry are of the ultra-hard variety made of jade, glass, or metal. i have never used one of these before, and am a little intimidated by the idea, as i am new to penetration, but after reading the reviews of the njoy pure wand on the babeland website, i am very curious to try it. these hard, curved dildos are specifically designed to stimulate the gspot and make a woman ejaculate, or "squirt." i believe someone on there described it as "tantamount to opening a faucet" which is kind of gross, but tremendously intriguing, much like any new sexual experience. if i do ever get it, i will definitely buy it from babeland, partially because i find their site to be extremely woman and queer-friendly as well as highly educational, but also because the price is way jacked-up on the coco de mer site.

babeland, like another sex shop i like in l.a. called the pleasure chest, offers a variety of toys ranging in price and quality, which is great. it is very interesting though, to see this sexy/fancy thing catching on all over america. even Carol Wright Gifts, purveyors of fine As Seen on TV kitchen products, bras that look like they could probably deflect a moderate knifing, and who still proudly sell the first vibrator i ever laid my eyes on, now carry the fun factory laya spot vibrator, which is pricier than most, extremely well-reviewed, and also retails at coco de mer, albeit for $20 more. omg, i am also completely obsessed with shop erotic, which is a paid program that airs latenight on the oxygen channel. two women basically just sit/stand there, completely poker-faced, talking about how much they themselves love the toys they are trying to sell. i think it's absolutely wonderful that sex toys have gone so mainstream! plus, the main host, miyoko, is pretty hot and wears serious glasses. it's a little annoying that their prices seem high for the quality, but some of the stuff they are selling seems pretty legit. and you know nothing makes my night like hearing a blonde woman (the other host), who looks like the straightest, most vanilla girl in the world, telling america how much she thoroughly enjoys her jelly double dong. LOL. and i adore how often they say the word "dong." why doesn't anyone ever say "dong" anymore?

oh yeah, the whole underlying point of this post, though, was that when i was on the coco de mer website i saw this, like, (SUPER NSFW) full-body necklace that eventually leads down to your clit, secretly clipping onto it. wtf, i had never heard of this before, so i felt really dumb. i looked it up. and it turns out there are a million websites selling clit clips. they sure look hilarious to me. i like how this one here has that classic chandelier shape, it's so classy! you can look at some even funnier pics of them actually on women (ULTRA MEGA NSFW) here, if you dare. after seeing this, i actually wanted to get my hands on one of the big, jeweled ones because i will try anything once if it's funny or shiny, but joe said no because a) it's trashy, and b) he does not want me to accidentally cut off all circulation and break my clit.

is that possible? i doubt it. i'm so ordering one of these.

no glove, no love

um, it's times like this when i wish i would have thought of an actual theme for this blog instead of "my opinion on various stuff" because honestly, i am way too lazy to think of interesting stuff to write about and i almost never leave the house. i have also been virtually unable to sleep, which does absolutely nothing for my sanity and sense of well-being, not to mention my complexion.

let's see, ummm... well, i had a hot date with joe on friday night. we ate at buffalo kitchen (not the one i used to work at, a different one), which was delicious, then we saw juno. i liked the film quite a bit, but it was one of those things where the hype was just way too big and it distorted the movie a bit. it was still really enjoyable, but i should have seen it sooner. anyway, it was a lovely date night, i must say.

for some reason a movie about unwanted teenage pregnancy made me want to jump joe really bad. is that wrong? i suppose we were fucking in celebration of the single universal queer privilege: no risk of unplanned conception. hallelujah! the best part is that we totally used a condom! hahahaha. i have developed this obsession with using condoms on the dick. we have one of those fancy, lifelike vixskin dealies, but with a condom, uh, the ride is smoother. i also must admit that using one makes me feel kind of bad... maybe it's a latent catholic schoolgirl thing, who knows.

the rest of the weekend was completely uneventful. saturday we went to ikea, which is always kind of fun, then later we had drinks for a friend's bday. very low key.

i have a couple of posts in the works, but this whole insomnia thing is rotting my brain.

short list of things i'm excited about:

1) fafi for MAC collection. i'm not a huge fafi freak, but based on her work i think this collection is going to be really cool.

2) joining the gym

3) my hair getting longer

4) reading my boss' new book before it's even out! getting paid to read = ridic awesome.

5) being in love for the first time evereverever. it keeps getting better. i feel like i'm going to regret being so forthright if it ever explodes in my face, but i have never felt this way before and it's the most wondrous feeling in the world. ew!

here are the two newest kylie minogue videos.

"wow"

verdict: LOVE the song, but the video is not as amazing or sassy as "2 hearts." i'm glad she brought back the gay robot dancers, though. she also looks really hot, even in that puffy space suit thing.

"in my arms"

verdict: the song is fagtastic! i fucking adore this woman! do you guys realize she is, like, in her 40s?!?! soooo hot. a lot of people are commenting that she "copied" robyn on this video, but these people are obviously insane, stupid, or twelve years-old. the "girl in a box" theme was not invented by robyn, and is nothing new. HELLO "silent all these years" by tori amos. duh. don't they teach 90s history in schools now?